Here I go, putting it all out there again…

Most days I do pretty well. There’s daily routines, weekly routines, schoolwork, chores, occasional trips to Alabama to work on The New House, and spend time with the kinfolk. Grandpunkin is growing, he’ll be 2 in a couple of weeks. Can you believe that? It’s been 2 years since he was born and I became a Grandma.

And some days, stuff hurts more and some days, it hurts less. Today is kind of a “more” day.  I see people with their spouses…ones they’ve been married to for many more years than Himself and I were together, and it hurts. Or, on Facebook someone will put pictures up of a trip she took with her spouse (of many years) to someplace romantic, and that hurts too. It’s not their fault and I surely don’t expect the world to tiptoe around and censor themselves so they don’t hurt my Delicate Feelings. Most days I really like seeing the pictures of castles and mountains and bridges. Most days I’m rejoicing with them, vicariously taking a trip somewhere interesting. But once in a while, I’ll see a selfie with a castle and it hits me: We were going to do that. We were going to go see that castle/bridge/canyon/mountain but now we aren’t. I am not interested in going there without the person with whom I shared so much fun. What’s the point in visiting that town full of interesting antique stores if I can’t hold up a thing and ask “Don’t you think this would look nice next to the (other thing)?” and then spend the next umpteen years going “Hey, remember that trip to (wherever) when we got (whatever)? remember that restaurant/coffee house/curiousity shop/guy selling things?”

Every now and then, out of the blue and without warning, it hits me that my friend, the one with whom I took the Route 66 trip and played on Big Brutus, is gone. I can’t talk about Pop’s or that place with the amazing pie in Vinita, OK with anyone who shared the experience.  That hurts.  2-1/2 years later and it still hurts. They said it would and I believed them, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I dislike wearing my feelings out there in the wide open. It’s embarrassing when someone has to hand me a tissue so I don’t wipe my nose on my sleeve (because I always forget tissues and an old receipt is an unsatisfactory nose-wipe.) And the problem with emotions is they compound themselves. Once they get going, it doesn’t take much to set them off again. Which starts the whole embarassment cycle all over again.  I resent having lost that thick skin I once had, that allowed me to pat people on the shoulder without actually sharing their feelings. Now? Holy cow. Someone has a bad day and I’m all over that like gravy on a biscuit. And just as messy, too.

I don’t like that I am not “normal” anymore. Whatever “normal” is. I don’t like that my sense of self has been fractured, but I recognize that my identity isn’t really dependent on Himself now. I did see myself as half of a thing, rather than an individual.  Being an individual is taking some getting used to. I still think of something and want to run the idea past Himself, or show him something, or ask a question, or lean on him when things are hairy. I can’t do that anymore and when someone else gets to do it with her husband it is difficult to watch.  I know a couple of other widows (well, former widows? ) but they’ve remarried and have someone else to lean on now.  I don’t know if I’ll ever have that again.  I’m not going to go put myself “on the market” or anything, but I’m not ruling it out, either. I figure, if God’s plan is for m to remarry, then He’ll put someone in my life and I will.  In the meantime, I am wobbling here like a dog that just lost a leg and hasn’t figured out how to stand.

Wow…First I’m a Grandma, then gravy coated biscuit, and then a 3 legged dog. I guess that’s better than being a 3 legged biscuit and a gravy coated Grandma.



About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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5 Responses to Here I go, putting it all out there again…

  1. jerseechik says:

    ((hug)), yes I think it’s better than being a 3 legged biscuit and a gravy coated grandma.

  2. pheenobarbidoll says:

    After my 1st husband died, I did the things we talked about. I wrote to him about it, and kept the letters in a box. It hurt…but it hurt in a good way more than it hurt in a bad way, if that makes sense.

    • rootietoot says:

      That makes sense, but how did you do those things without him? Did it feel really strange?

      • pheenobarbidoll says:

        It did feel strange…but then I realized he was a part of me, so he was there too. Im sure I looked weird sometimes…crying would happen for no reason anyone around could see. On some trips i took my daughter, who better? We didnt have a fancy trip list and I usually took someone really close or blood related. I felt like I was doing it -for him- as well as myself. It was a bit cathartic in nature…bittersweet. But I felt lighter after each trip or experience. Some were as simple as ” try that new place that sells tacos” and ” go see this movie”. I did those things alone. That way I didnt have to talk to someone and could sniffle without causing someone else distress. He was big on camping, but Im not so I split the difference. Trip to where he wanted to camp…hotel room for me lol

  3. ChezaMac says:

    When my first husband was in the last stages of cancer, I began to journal my feelings weekly, increasing to daily after he passed. I learned that you never get over it, you just get through it, that piece of yourself that goes with them is gone forever, but somehow you are still a whole person. I threw myself into lots of activities to keep myself busy, but didn’t allow myself to grieve as much as I needed to. Once I took a step back from my endless activity, and allowed myself to really feel the pain, the healing began. It took quite a few years before I met my second husband, He was a big part of helping me to feel whole again, I overcame the fear of going though ‘that’ again, and moved on, happy with life once again. But, just under 5 years into a wonderful marriage, I lost him too, suddenly and unexpected. Back to journaling the emotional roller coaster, I spend quite a bit of time in solitude allowing myself to once again ‘feel the pain’, though I am busy I’m not finding something to do every waking moment. I holiday with family and friends, it will never be the same but one needs something to look forward to. Some days I make myself keep the dinner date with friends when I really just want to make excuse, stay home, curl up and die. I know the intensity of the emotions will someday pass…again…God I hope so!

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