Last night #4 and I got into the pictures, looking for stuff he can put on his Senior page. He goes to a very small school and the senior class has 20 people in it. In the yearbook each senior gets an entire page, and each kid designs it himself. While looking through the zillions, we came across a set of photos from the time Himself went tank driving. For his 50th birthday, I’d given him a Tank Driving Experience And Car Crushing at TankTown USA. That was a fantastic day. Himself and #4 drove around and mud-bogged, crushed a Volvo, and made a memory. Seeing all those pictures, and other ones of Himself goofing around with the boys, showing off at the gun range, smoking a cigar on the patio…brought back a whole flood of memories and feelings. ALL of the feelings.
Oh, how I miss him! Right now I’m dealing with some difficult stuff, and not having a Person who can help carry the psychological burdens, who can talk me down out of a tizzy and tell me to go do something in the garden (always therapeutic), or even make me sit down and present me with a glass of wine (also therapeutic) is hard. Yes, I can try to do all those things for myself but dammit- it’s NOT THE SAME. For 30 years there was another person who helped carry the burden, and who’s burdens I helped carry. And now I’m feeling like I have to carry them entirely and it’s making me VERY WHINY. and weepy. I hate weepy. It’s embarrassing. Even if there’s no one else around it’s still embarrassing. Here it is, 2 years later. It’s not the same sort of raw feelings I had 2 years ago when everything was open and bleeding and confusing. It’s softer and different…I can’t really explain it…but still hurts. My eyes still leak and my nose runs and I miss him just as much, maybe more.
Here’s the deal. I’m having a VERY HARD TIME with math right now. I read the chapter, watch a video on it, do the homework, and it all seems fine. Ok, I can understand this. Then, I go to take the test and it feels like someone handed me a Russian copy of Anna Karinina. Test anxiety much? Adderall has been suggested. As has Xanax. I don’t have anxiety on any other tests. Why is this so difficult? How come, when doing homework a(x-h)²+k seems so logical, yet on an exam, it looks like Œ(∉+ζ)²-ℜ/ℑ? The frustrating part is that I spend literally HOURS a day working on this stuff, carefully reading and doing the study plan and homework. Before the last exam (on which I made a 50%), I broke out in hives. Himself would have been able to make me laugh and relax and I’d have done just fine. He would have suggested an hour at the firing range, blowing the sh** out of clay targets, laughing and making encouraging comments. He’d have made me feel like an intelligent and resourceful person. Of course, if he were still here I wouldn’t be taking the math in the first place. So this is all his fault. Sort of.
There’s other stuff going on too. The house is a wreck because I’m doing so much homework (not just math). I literally haven’t swept or mopped in over 2 weeks. Probably over 3, but who’s counting. Once you get past 2 weeks it’s all the same. The bathrooms need cleaning. The yard needs tending but the lawnmower isn’t working. I haven’t touched my vegetable garden and it’s a mess. I came across some photos of it taken right after it was finished and it was so beautiful. Now it looks abandoned. I’ve got to decide if I’m going to do school this Summer. I was intending to, with the idea of graduating in July, but all the classes I need to graduate aren’t offered this Summer. I don’t want to go in the Fall because I want to concentrate on finishing the house and getting moved. So I have to decide if I just stop with the school and transfer to the community college there, or what. Himself would know what to do. He was wise like that.
There’s stuff going on over there in which I want/need to get involved. I can’t do it if I’m here. But can I find lucrative work (I don’t need a LOT of money, but I do need some) without a degree? Especially with a resume’ that’s got a 28 year empty spot? Do you see what’s got me so worked up right now? It feels like stuff is collapsing on my head and even though I know, intellectually, that I am not powerless to do anything about it, right now, this Sunday morning approaching 9:30, I want to crawl into my bed and pull the quilt over my head, and wait for it to all fix itself. Because the one person who helped me work through everything, who talked sense into me and made the load lighter, is busy elsewhere. And, while I am thankful his burden has been completely taken away and he’s in a place of absolute contentment and joy, I kind of resent being stuck here with a burden that has doubled, and being left without my person. And please don’t talk to me about my Heavenly Husband and Jesus is here for me and all that. I KNOW THAT. I’m just feeling very sorry for myself right now and missing Himself very, very much today.