Comes and goes

Last night #4 and I got into the pictures, looking for stuff he can put on his Senior page. He goes to a very small school and the senior class has 20 people in it. In the yearbook each senior gets an entire page, and each kid designs it himself. While looking through the zillions, we came across a set of photos from the time Himself went tank driving. For his 50th birthday, I’d given him a Tank Driving Experience And Car Crushing at TankTown USA. That was a fantastic day. Himself and #4 drove around and mud-bogged, crushed a Volvo, and made a memory.  Seeing all those pictures, and other ones of Himself goofing around with the boys, showing off at the gun range, smoking a cigar on the patio…brought back a whole flood of memories and feelings. ALL of the feelings.

Oh, how I miss him! Right now I’m dealing with some difficult stuff, and not having a Person who can help carry the psychological burdens, who can talk me down out of a tizzy and tell me to go do something in the garden (always therapeutic), or even make me sit down and present me with a glass of wine (also therapeutic) is hard. Yes, I can try to do all those things for myself but dammit- it’s NOT THE SAME.  For 30 years there was another person who helped carry the burden, and who’s burdens I helped carry. And now I’m feeling like I have to carry them entirely and it’s making me VERY WHINY. and weepy. I hate weepy. It’s embarrassing. Even if there’s no one else around it’s still embarrassing. Here it is, 2 years later. It’s not the same sort of raw feelings I had 2 years ago when everything was open and bleeding and confusing. It’s softer and different…I can’t really explain it…but still hurts. My eyes still leak and my nose runs and I miss him just as much, maybe more.

Image by Erinnicolette

Here’s the deal. I’m having a VERY HARD TIME with math right now. I read the chapter, watch a video on it, do the homework, and it all seems fine. Ok, I can understand this. Then, I go to take the test and it feels like someone handed me a Russian copy of Anna Karinina. Test anxiety much? Adderall has been suggested. As has Xanax. I don’t have anxiety on any other tests. Why is this so difficult? How come, when doing homework a(x-h)²+k seems so logical, yet on an exam, it looks like Œ(∉+ζ)²-ℜ/ℑ? The frustrating part is that I spend literally HOURS a day working on this stuff, carefully reading and doing the study plan and homework.  Before the last exam (on which I made a 50%), I broke out in hives. Himself would have been able to make me laugh and relax and I’d have done just fine.  He would have suggested an hour at the firing range, blowing the sh** out of clay targets, laughing and making encouraging comments. He’d have made me feel like an intelligent and resourceful person. Of course, if he were still here I wouldn’t be taking the math in the first place.  So  this is all his fault. Sort of.

There’s other stuff going on too. The house is a wreck because I’m doing so much homework (not just math). I literally haven’t swept or mopped in over 2 weeks. Probably over 3, but who’s counting. Once you get past 2 weeks it’s all the same.   The bathrooms need cleaning. The yard needs tending but the lawnmower isn’t working. I haven’t touched my vegetable garden and it’s a mess. I came across some photos of it taken right after it was finished and it was so beautiful. Now it looks abandoned.  I’ve got to decide if I’m going to do school this Summer. I was intending to, with the idea of graduating in July, but all the classes I need to graduate aren’t offered this Summer. I don’t want to go in the Fall because I want to concentrate on finishing the house and getting moved. So I have to decide if I just stop with the school and transfer to the community college there, or what. Himself would know what to do. He was wise like that.

There’s stuff going on over there in which I want/need to get involved. I can’t do it if I’m here. But can I find lucrative work (I don’t need a LOT of money, but I do need some) without a degree? Especially with a resume’ that’s got a 28 year empty spot? Do you see what’s got me so worked up right now? It feels like stuff is collapsing on my head and even though I know, intellectually, that I am not powerless to do anything about it, right now, this Sunday morning approaching 9:30, I want to crawl into my bed and pull the quilt over my head, and wait for it to all fix itself. Because the one person who helped me work through everything, who talked sense into me and made the load lighter, is busy elsewhere. And, while I am thankful his burden has been completely taken away and he’s in a place of absolute contentment and joy, I kind of resent being stuck here with a burden that has doubled, and being left without my person. And please don’t talk to me about my Heavenly Husband and Jesus is here for me and all that. I KNOW THAT. I’m just feeling very sorry for myself right now and missing Himself very, very much today.

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About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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6 Responses to Comes and goes

  1. pheenobarbidoll says:

    I dont want to sound nosey or pushy or anything, but have you considered the idea you might have some depression? Anxiety can trigger it, and while youre probably the type to shrug that off, may I suggest you speak to someone who has experience with depression, anxiety and loss? Unfortunately, some of this stuff doesnt go away by ignoring it. It bites you in the ass hard. Its not weakness, sometimes chemicals in your brain just go into overdrive during stressful times, and when the stress receedes or changes, youre still left with a brain thats had a chemical bath.

    I wish I could help with the math, but I shut down if its more complicated than simple addition or subtraction.

    Go work in your garden. The kiddo can sweep and mop. Its not as if the dirt is going anywhere. I live in west texas, you can trust me on that. I am a dirt expert. It blows through my house at 50 mph on a daily basis. I probably have dirt from your yard sitting on my tv stand as we speak.

    • rootietoot says:

      I’m always sitting on the mild end of the depression spectrum. I’m on a long term maintenance level of Wellbutrin. Once I tried getting off of it (per Doctor’s suggestion, to see what would happen) and it wasn’t pretty. Thing is, I’m doing VERY well in everything else. I have no trouble with other exams, getting required work done, nothing. Just THIS. And I spend so much time doing it, I don’t have time for the normal daily stuff. I did get my Spring clothes out, and that helped. Also shaved my legs for the first time since October, that felt nice. and wore a skirt to church, also nice. What I need to do is quit complaining about it.

      • pheenobarbidoll says:

        Because math sucks. It just does. Only people great in math like it. And half of their claiming to love math is just being snooty, IMO ( the humble brag, as it were…ie oh i looove math means Im a smarty pants, be impressed)

        Just gotta trudge through it, unfortunately. Or pick a degree in something that doesnt require math. There were several subjects I was way into when I was younger, and Id love to have a fancy degree in, but theres too much math to get there and frankly, the very idea makes me tired.

  2. jerseechik says:

    Himself was pretty wonderful; I miss him, too. ((hugs)) You’re not alone.

  3. Bella Rum says:

    Himself knew you so well and knew how to help. What a great guy! And how you must miss him. Math is a mystery to me when it gets past fractions and long division. You’re level-minded and will figure out what’s best for you. I have total confidence in you.

  4. Anne Niemi says:

    (((Big hugs)))…take the summer off to work in the garden and clean some…set the timer for 15 mins. and start one project.

    Start back to school in the fall…so close to being done, don’t quit. You need to finish this for you!! Looks much better on your resume. 🙂

    I’m so proud of you and Himself would be too!! Grief never goes away…it just changes. (Dealing with my Mom being gone two years on Good Friday. What a glorious HOPE we have in Jesus.)

    Elizabeth Elliott said, “Just do the next thing.”

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