So, today will be 2 years since Himself died. As expected, I am pretty emotional, which I hate (it’s uncomfortable, but at least there’s no one around to see it so I can be as red-eyed and soggy as I want). There is so much I am grateful for right now: 30 amazing years with a remarkable man, our 4 sons who have grown up to be fine people, my parents who have come alongside me with this house that gives me something on which I can focus for the future, friends who let me be awkward, and a wonderful Redeemer God Who has shown me that life doesn’t have to end when a beloved leaves.
I’ve said it before, my life didn’t end, it just took a turn I wasn’t expecting. I guess for the most part I’m ok with that. I might as well be, not being ok with it wouldn’t have changed the path, but it might have made me angry and bitter with it. What good would that do, except to, well, make me an angry and bitter person. The people in my family tend to live a very long time, and if that’s factored in, I might be only halfway through my life. I want to honor God for everything He’s done for me, and that requires a joyful attitude (A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22), and a willingness to work at whatever (And to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, 1 Thessalonians 4:11), and take it as it comes, leaning on God for guidance (If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5).
Thing is, God doesn’t lay our path out in front of us to see the whole thing. We can’t even see what’s going to happen a minute from now. He knows, but we don’t. Can you imagine what it would be like to know the future yet be unable to do anything about it? Ew. That would stink. However, that doesn’t mean sitting on our hands and being paralyzed. We’re supposed to ask for wisdom, and guidance, and work ( And to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one. 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12). My work was always here at home, running a household. Now I need to work somewhere else, and am grateful to have the resources to get some education so when/if (see what I did there? None of us know what the future holds but there’s nothing wrong with planning for it…Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise. Without having any chief, officer, or ruler, she prepares her bread in summer and gathers her food in harvest. Proverbs 6:6-8). Imagine if we all threw up our hands and said “I’ma let God take care of me so I’ll just sit here and wait for everything to fall in my lap”. Pfft. Trusting God also means trusting that He gave me brains to use and a body that functions so I *CAN* work. In the mean time, God has provided me with some amazing resources through the whole ordeal of Himself’s demise.I am frequently awed by that. I’m not meaning the stuff type resources, but the fortitude I didn’t know was there. Something allowed me to grow internally, some seed was planted a long time ago, that has pushed through the hard-packed soil of grief and confusion. I don’t know what it will grow into, but something’s there. (insert metaphor about watering it with tears and a cheesy poem stolen from Chicken Soup for the Soul)
So that’s where I’m at now. 2 years later, I’m in school. I have a grandchild and a move planned in several months. Occasionally I’m angry with Himself for all this upheaval and change, but it’s not like he wanted to do it. Often I’m happy for him because he’s free of the frustrations of this earthly life. I’m curious and a little excited about my future- it feels like taking a trip to another country where I may speak the language, but the culture is different and I have to learn a new way of doing things. I’ve had to set aside many things I used to do. The garden is completely neglected, though I’m trying to do at least a little bit of it. The way the household functions is completely different now. That’s been a learning experience. Decisions are made in a different way now that there’s no one to consult on them. What’s important has definitely changed. Occasionally I resent it, mostly I don’t.