The past month or so has been pretty…rough. Eventful in all the wrong ways…well ok there were a few lovely bright spots but those have been completely overwhelmed by things like a house burning down and the wrong paint color. Today is Himself’s birthday- he’d be 53 if he were here, which he’s not.
I think the biggest part of my problem is that I don’t have my Person- the one I could lean on when times were hard. I can’t say “well, at least we still have each other!” And I feel like if I say anything to that effect, someone will come out of the woodwork and say something about Jesus and leaning on Him. As if I’m not. I kind of resent that, the implication that if I’m having a hard time dealing with what’s happening it means I’m not Trusting God, when the truth is, if I weren’t trusting God I’d be even more of a basket case, and probably doing rash and unhealthy things like running away from it all.
I’ve had this running away fantasy for a long time, like since the kids were very little and Life Was Hard because I was having to juggle them and bipolar disorder and a husband with a career that required me to be a Perfect Wife. I dreamed of getting in my car and driving a gas-tank’s distance, then swapping the car at a shady used-car dealership for something untraceable, then driving to North Dakota to get a job as a Waffle-house waitress (do they even have Waffle House there? I’ve never checked) and change my name to Katherine, and just disappear. See how well I have that worked out? I won’t do it, of course, because it would cause more damage to others than it would help me, but the fantasy exists and seems, sometimes, like a really good idea. They are all grown, and will be fine without me.
Except now I have this overly attached dog, and traveling with him, while not impossible, would make it hard to get the waitressing job unless it’s at a biker bar that lets me bring him in, and I don’t look good in leather miniskirts nor are my boobs very big.
The house is kind of overwhelming as well. I have a lot of shi…er…stuff. Much of it is pointless stuff that might be useful one day but probably not, and might be worth something but probably not and I’d really like to get one of those construction dumpsters and go through and throw everything out that I don’t REALLY love and just be done with it all. Another dream along those lines is to move everything I REALLY love to The New House and give the keys to this one to Habitat for Humanity and let them have everything left, but none of it would be worth much and I hate the thought of imposing on volunteers to come in and sift through it, looking for something of value.
Also, I’m just tired. It seems like every time I turn around, people need me. While most of the time I’m fine with that, and quite able to compartmentalize and all, right now I can’t. I’m also disinclined to lean on others, as I don’t want to impose or cast my burdens upon them because most people have their own problems and don’t need mine on top of them. Then someone has advice that sounds real good but isn’t nearly as easy to implement as they think it is. Himself was really good at following through with the difficult jobs of life. He was able to make the tough calls where family was concerned, be the Enforcer and let me relax and be the one who softened the bow and maintained the relationships. He was able to tell me when to back off, or step forward, to tell me what I needed to do in a given situation. I draw on those experiences a lot, but sometimes, like when a son’s house burns down and they lose it all, or when I can’t figure out if I need to cajole/encourage or back off and let him make his own decisions…I can’t figure out what would be the right thing to do.And I become frustrated and exhausted and confused and honestly want to go away and not come back until everyone else has their collective shits together. I want to leave them all a text message that says “Don’t call me until your life is in order and I don’t have to help.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love them all very much but I’m having a hard enough time with my OWN life right now.