Yesterday was hard. I put up the small fake Christmas tree, and while doing it got nauseous- both physically and emotionally. Have you ever been there- emotional nausea? That’s what it sure felt like. I had to sit down and let the sweats and dizziness pass. Then i had to get out of there. Sure, maybe I was running away from something, but isn’t that why we have cars and shopping centers- to get away from stuff?
I went to Hobby Lobby, to get some stuff to make a couple of small things (the shorthaired dog let me know she couldn’t handle the cold, so I got some fleece to make her a coat), and spent some time wandering around. I like wandering because, as a basically creative person, looking at pieces and parts makes me happy…or at least content. While in the artist aisle, amongst the canvases were some stretch and printed ones, with mandalas on them. Like those coloring books for grownups, only ready to hand on the wall. So I bought one. Which meant markers were needed. So I bought some of those as well. Did you know there are sets of markers that are nearly $80? I didn’t buy those. I got the $8 set, because it had some pretty pastels colors in it and I was of a mind to color the mandala in pastels that would look nice hanging on the wall of the new sewing room. Likely I’ll go back to the store and get a couple more, to have a trio.
While coloring that mandala didn’t cure the blues/existential nausea, it did get my mind off of it for a while, which was enough to settle things down a bit. I also had Little House on the Prairie going at the same time. The entire afternoon and evening was spent on the couch, binge-watching and coloring. It was kind of soothing. Probably horribly self indulgent and I could have spent the day tidying up the garden or something but dammit, I didn’t WANT TO.
Missing Himself, that’s what it was. #2’s Girldfriend asked if she could do anything to help, and I grumbled something about “bring Himself back” and I think it sort of shocked her. Normally I’m more cheerful than this. I think she’s actually seeing what’s really going on, since the mask I’ve been wearing cracked open. I wasn’t even this grumpy last Christmas. It isn’t possible to avoid Christmas entirely, so I’m not trying, but I have to say it is making me queasy and anxious. I don’t like that.
But, it also isn’t all about me. There’s a bunch of other people involved here and I don’t want to piss in their teacups over it. (wow, that’s…crude…but there it is) So, I’m doing the best I can right now. I’m reminding myself every day that the deal about Christmas is recognizing the Incarnation- yes. I know it started as the very early missionaries appeasing the pagans over the mid-winter celebration of the Solstice by changing it to Jesus’ birthday…but the idea is still there- that God came to Earth as a Man, who dealt with all the shortcomings of mortality and a frail human body. and for that I am grateful. When that is celebrated is incidental, in my opinion. If people want to do it in the middle of the cold winter, then fine. It makes for something to do and an excuse to have a party and some highly-caloric food. So, Merry (or something) Christmas and Happy Birthday, Jesus…I think His birthday deserves a whole month of of it, even when I have to force my way through it.