A tropical storm is dumping on us. No wind or anything dramatic, just a whole lot of rain, all night and probably most of today. I love it, as the garden got fertilized earlier this week and a good rain is a lovely thing.

It makes me think, rain does, by forcing me inside, where there’s time to sit and ponder. I like to avoid that when I can, the thinking stuff. It can snowball into melancholy or self pity or philosophizing in directions it shouldn’t go. So I work on school stuff (finished that up for the week), and sewing stuff- there’s no projects going on…ok, no projects that I actually FEEL like working on particularly…so I’m embroidering a pillow for the couch. No, the machine is embroidering it but I did spend some time on the computer fiddling around with letters and flourishes making a thing to put on the thing so the thing could do it’s thing and make a monogrammed pillow cover.  See how easy that is? All you need is a couple of things and a thing and there you go. I’m not sure how the machine decides what to do and in what order, but eventually it all comes out as I’ve directed. most of the time. Sometimes it goes NOPE and wads up the thread and makes an embarrassing mess but isn’t that life as we know it anyway?

We go along, doing things as directed and all the things behave and the bread rises and bills are paid and then it all wads up and goes NOPE. What happens then? What do you do when life says NOPE? Well, when the machine does that, I stop it, walkaway for a while then come back to it when my brain has calmed down.  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could walk away from life for a while? I mean REALLY walk away from it. Not a trip to Disney or Dillard or something, because you still have to come up with money for fish&chips or an antique champagne glass, I mean totally walk away for a while and turn off the brain. Wouldn’t that be lovely!

About a month after Himself passed on, I spent several days trying to talk myself into a couple of months Somewhere Else, like maybe Panama or Costa Rica. Research and questions answered led me to decide on Panama, due to health care, friendliness toward Americans, and low cost of everything. I found a nice house on a beach to rent for about $1000 a month, within walking distance of a couple of markets (thus food availability), and round trip airplane tickets for $300. That’s right, for about $2000 I could check out for a couple of months. Sounds amazing, right?

And what would that solve, hm? Would I come back to find all the estate nonsense (wad of thread screwing with my plan) solved? What about the kids, also mourning a great loss, who didn’t have their other parent around for comfort? How would they feel if I just checked out like that? Wouldn’t that have exacerbated their issues? Probably. Then not only would that particular snarl of thread be bigger than it should, it would be all up in the machinery of my life and probably cause the need for repairmen and even a complete overhaul.

So no, even though the fantasy was lovely and I’d still like a month on a beach, it seemed more prudent to stick around and let them lean on me, and me on them. That kept the assorted snarls manageable, though unwelcome.  Now, a year+ later, I can see it’s a good thing that prudence reigned supreme. We are all doing just fine. #1 is looking at an accountant’s program at a local college, #2 is chugging away with his engineering degree, #3 has a fine family and job, #4 finished 11th grade intact, and started his first job today. I’m in school and enjoying arguing with my instructors about nearly everything. We’re doing fine. I don’t know if we’d be doing just as well if I’d bailed on life for a month or two. So I’m saving the chance to bail for a few years from now. Panama is still on the bucket list.

So for now, I’m letting the machine do it’s thing, I’m going to make bread for the week, and see what I can come up with for eating today, since noises have been made about people coming over and I can’t have people without having something to feed them.



About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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2 Responses to Rain

  1. Lisa says:

    My go to fantasy for when things get hard is to just walk out the door, close it behind me and keep on walking. I haven’t yet because if I did I’d eventually have to walk back if I wanted a bed to sleep in, I think walking back would be harder than just staying in the first place.

    • rootietoot says:

      I’ve fantasized about driving to North Dakota, changing my name to Katherine, and getting a job. A Waffle House waitress. But I don’t know if North Dakota has waffle houses. And yes, a bed is nice.

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