Other than (VERY) occasionally looking in the mirror, it has been my habit to not really give a rip what people thought about how I dress/look. Comfort is key. Being inconspicuous (well, since having kids.) is easy when all you ever wear is t-shirts (long sleeves in the winter, short in the other 3 seasons) and something bland (jeans in the winter. skirts in the other 3 seasons. By skirts I mean mid-calf or longer.). It also makes it very easy to shop. There is a brand of jeans that fit the way I like, and skirts can be made in an hour or two. Tshirts are…y’know. Tshirts. That’s all they are.
Now, that opening line might have implied that bright colors or esoteric fashion is to be embraced. I have explained how that isn’t so here. However (tell me you didn’t see that coming), a certain friend of mine has taken it upon herself to give me STYLE. Frightening, uncharacteristic (for me), Seen In All The Right Stores STYLE. Which causes me to panic (a little) and revolt (a little more) and retreat away from any sort of STYLE that might have been budding in the form of a color or perhaps a ruffle. My psyche has shouted RETREAT and played that trumpet call, and there are internal moans of dismay and a heaping of all the simple things to the front of the dresser and closet. This way I can grab them with a sigh of relief.
you see, she talked me into Skinny Jeans, declaring that they made the most of muscular (er….)legs and made my butt look awesome. Ok yes, the fit on my waist was great. It is hard to find jeans that fit both waist and arse with any degree of comfort. But looking in the mirror cause flashbacks and panic and something like a desire to wear a burkha. I did buy them, with trepidation, and they are still in the bag on the dining table, waiting for a reckless moment probably fueled by half a bottle of Malbec. These legs simply are not used to being hugged. MomJeans, that’s where I’m at. MomJeans with a scoopneck t-shirt and a nice cardigan sweater. And shoes that fit my orthotics. And a sensible watch.
If I listened to the SkinnyJeanGuerilla, there would be stuff cut out and exposed collarbones and earrings (!?!) and probably shoes with heels or something! I might get noticed! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE THAT. She made the valid point that, if I want to Get Back Out There (which I do, eventually, but not immediately.), I’m going to have to dress less like a contemporary nun and more like someone who’s interested in Getting Back Out There. She has a point, but can’t the point involve something other than figure hugging skinny jeans? Even though I’ve lost nearly 40 pounds and they don’t actually make me look like a beachball on short stilts? Also, apparently wearing heels make one’s legs look longer, but people won’t notice my artificially long legs, they will be watching me attempt (badly) to walk in those heels. I’d rather be ignored than noticed for walking like someone who just drank half a bottle of Malbec (which is what it will take to get there).
thing is, she really means well, and I am taking the whole endeavor in the spirit for which it is intended, that is, to boost my confidence and get over the notion that I weigh over 200 pounds. Because the root of the whole problem is that is it incredibly difficult to get over that. So, the jeans will remain in the bag, on the dining table, until courage is worked up to put them on. Maybe eventually, with a long enough sweater and some boots, there will be enough courage to wear them Out. However, it will certainly come at a cost, because good Malbec ain’t cheap.