Not much to write about lately. I am doing well, still missing Himself, still getting used to the Widow label…it chaps and I don’t like it, but there it is anyway. The hardest part to swallow is not having a companion who GETS me, with whom I can bounce the ideas off, or try out a new recipe, or whine about someone and have him say “What’s up with that?!”
Then there’s the whole safety net part. While I am not exactly twisting in the wind alone, the responsibilities of being In Charge Utterly are new and strange and occasionally confusing. There are, however, lots of resources out there in the form of books and forums and such, that encourage and give ideas on how to handle stuff.
Thing is, I KNOW how good I’ve got it. Complaining about ANYTHING seems disingenuous and ungrateful. But then, each person has their set of problems, that, to them, are REAL PROBLEMS. Comparing them does no one any good. Someone said recently, after starting in with stuff that was bothering her, “Oh, I am sorry, you must think I am such a whiner”…no, not really. Whatever you’re going through is still a problem for you, and my situation doesn’t change that. But, my problems, whatever they are, are still problems for ME, and I whine about them. There is always someone out there who’s situation is worse than yours (or mine).
The main thing is, over the last almost-a-month since I wrote last, I feel like I am finally catching my breath with all this. We all still miss Himself awfully. I still don’t particularly like setting the table for dinner, for just 2 of us. Mornings are kind of hard, especially if one of us dreamed about him. But, the days are ok. A weekly meal with #’s 1,2,and 4 and affiliated girlfriend has been established, so at least that often the table gets set and a proper meal with silverware and napkins happens, so we don’t lose our social skills. I remember to check the mail now, and do the assorted household maintenance things that Himself took care of. And (dummmdadummm!) *I* get to decide if the windows stay open and the A/C turned on/off! That was a thing. It really was. He liked the house cold, I liked the air fresh. Usually he won.
My creativity has returned, with the sewing and all. That kind of just evaporated for a 8 months. It was frustrating but I didn’t care…creativity was overshadowed by mind numbing grief, but now the mind isn’t so numb. Himself would like that. He was always so encouraging about my sewing. I also feel comforted in the sewing room, because he made nearly every bit of furniture in it (with the exception of an antique rocking chair and side table).
Anyway, that’s where it’s at right now. Church doesn’t hurt anymore, with all those couples sitting next to each other. Reading God’s word doesn’t make me angry like it did…now I can say “Ok, You did what You did for Your very good reasons and just because I don’t know what they are doesn’t mean they don’t exist.” The bitter rock lodged in the back of my throat is gone…most of the time. Occasionally it coughs up and I have a good cry..that’s exhausting. The boys (they aren’t boys! They’re 27,25,24, and 16!) are holding up pretty well, each in their own ways still mourning the loss of their Dad, probably always will, but dealing in their own ways and moving on with life.
So that’s how it is…Life is going on. I miss him, but I am not the one who died, and need to keep going. So going I am.