Maybe I’ve been worried because my brain (which, of course, has NEVER LED ME WRONG) says I need to be worrying.
(why did it switch to italics? Dunno, but it’s pretty so it will stay that way.)
A couple of friends pointed out I was (essentially, they used kinder words) being stupid, and upon reflection it was determined (by me) that they are right.
The simple truth is, for all it’s upheaval, life’s not too bad. There’s a roof, food, a car, a bit of income quite adequate for our needs, and a cruise (bought back before Himself did his thing) upcoming in a little less than a month.
That’s right. A cruise. Nothing fancy like 3 weeks on a private yacht checking out the coast of South America, or floating up the Volga River, but fancy enough, with guys named Carl wearing shorts and delivering beverages featuring rum and tiny umbrellas. Plenty fancy since all we (that’s right, 2 of us middle aged women and a pair of teenaged girls, not sure what we’re going to do with them) really need is the rum and someone to make the beds. And room service with pastries first thing in the morning. you know, the standard cruise stuff. This is a much anticipated affair, kind of a way to gird my loins for the holidays, which I can’t decide if I am looking forward to or dreading.
Thing of it is, it is almost as if…(almost? Try completely) everything (all things considered) is Just Fine. Which it is. I read an article recently on how people manage being a widow, the different ways of coping. All this time I felt a bit like something was wrong because it wasn’t debilitating. Aren’t I supposed to be grieving, like with deep depression and huddling under the covers or something? But it wasn’t MY life that ended! I lost something incredibly precious, my favorite person, He With Whom I Shared My Life, but I wasn’t the one who left the Earth in favor of something better. I’m still here, still living and breathing and still looking at (potentially) another 50 years (give or take). There’s things that need doing and one of the things that frustrated Himself was the way I had to get ALL the things DONE before having some fun, and I’m too busy getting ALL the things DONE to have time for despair.
Lord knows the world throws ALL the things at you…death is about the most inconvenient thing (even more than having a baby because at least you usually have some time to prepare for that) I have ever experienced. On top of ALL the things, you’re dealing with losing the one person who helped with the things and I had to figure it ALL out.
Which led to much anxiety and whining to a degree that the people who know me best finally said “stop it…” Not to the missing of Himself, they know better, but to the whining about things which I had no need to whine about. They were right to do that, and I appreciate their candor, because it’s easy to miss it when you’re doing it, even when it’s something you’d point out to them if they were doing it.
So. Sitting back and evaluating all of it, the immediate concerns, the concerns for the future, and the plans in place to deal with those concerns…things are going well and for that I am immensely thankful to God for setting us in a place/time/circumstance that has the best possible outcome for a very difficult situation. My life hasn’t ended, nor will it stagnate. It’s just taking a different direction from what was planned. It’s going to be OK