I used to have some fun reading pasts posts…what was I doing 3 years ago on this date, that sort of thing. It would be a chance to evaluate, maybe see if a particular problem got solved, if the kids are behaving better now.
I can’t do that anymore. It’s like reading a diary from when I was 10. How clueless I seem, so unaware of the monumental change that was coming. I read about how Himself was tired, or nauseous in the morning, and this was YEARS ago. Symptoms, completely unaware. I chalked it up to anxiety, he said it was sinus drainage making him gag. Was it? Who knows. I reckon it doesn’t really matter now.
Truth is I feel about 100 years older. Less joyful, more sober, who is there to play with, after all? The person I laughed with, who I bounced ideas off of, planned with, that’s all gone. More mature, too, not just all wearing black and sad, but…life is serious business now. It’s shorter than I planned, and longer, too. Staring down a tunnel, wihtout a companion by my side…kind of daunting, really. I know I can do this, but it will take time to get used to an idea that I DON’T WANT TO GET USED TO.
When I’m sitting in church, seeing all the couples together, some who’ve been companions for 50 years or more, others less than 6 months, and everything in between, I am happy for them. When you’re 23 and newly married, you feel like you have 100 years together. I have no idea what it feels like to be married for 50+ years. I wonder if it’s that different from 28-1/2 years. Is there complacency? Have you gotten past that and are in the deep appreciation stage? Is there joy, or frustration, or is it just a mindless habit that’s too much trouble to break? How do you tell people to not take it for granted?
One of the things Himself loved to think about was our 50th anniversary, held at wherever we retired, with children and grandchildren and a big barbeque and us sitting on the porch watching it all and holding hands. I mourn for the loss of that.
I dreamed about teasing him because his teeth were in a glass on the bathroom counter. He said he’d tease me about my giant Grandma butt. Who’s going to do that now? Who’s teeth will I laugh at and who’s going to pat my butt and call it Large and In Charge.
Probably no one, at this point I would have to get married tomorrow, to a 40 year old, in order to make it to a 50th anniversary, and I am not interested in 40 year olds.
So, since the course of my life isn’t looking like front porch hand holding and butt-pats, I have decided to sign up for school, and pursue a certification in business administration. Less than an associates degree, but should find me work at a small business somewhere, making coffee for the boss and filing stuff. I’m ok with that. I’m not ambitious, but it would put some money in the bank and fill the hours not spent cooking meals and planning trips with Himself. The kids are grown and doing well, and don’t really need me to constantly be there…ok #4 still does, but in a couple of years he won’t. I’m not saying that in a Pity Me sort of way, but that they are following the natural course of things, and leaving the nest to go be adults. I do not fear or grieve for that, it actually makes me incredibly happy, BUT…the Now What question must be dealt with.