Thinking again

The past several days have been put in the “pretty good not so difficult” file. Himself is always on my mind, constantly, but I have been able to think of him and smile, and do things with friends with (relatively) little sucking up of emotions.

I looked at his closet and dresser yesterday, and decided I am still not ready to empty it out.

Nights still feel a lot like he is gone off on a trip, and will come back. Logic, it hasn’t quite sunk into my heart yet. The bed is a lonely place. In 30 years, I have never gone this long without holding hands or sharing a kiss or a familiar snuggle on the sofa (or more). That hit me last night, sitting on the couch with the dog. The notion that it is entirely possible I may never do those things again is enough to…well…you can imagine. And no, the cat licking my forehead at 3am is not an acceptable substitute.

I have been wonderfully busy during the day, filling my time and turning my brain to simple chores and mindless stuff. I made bowties for a friend’s wedding. And went to the beach twice in a week. I bought hot dogs, played poker, and taught someone how to handle a revolver.

I have not pulled weeds, scooped up dog poop, or scrubbed a toilet.

I am, probably, going to name the dust bunnies. Might as well, they have taken up residence and are soon to develop personalities and free will.

I have learned how to use instagram (roo2toot, if you’re interested).

I have learned how to quit worrying about other people’s feelings and speak my mind. I don’t think I am an ass about it, but if someone asks “Hilton Head or Tybee Island?” the answer is definitive, and not the “Oh I don’t care, you choose!” of 2 years ago. Hilton Head has nicer bathrooms and showers, but Tybee has a much shorter walk from the parking lot to the beach. And I can hover, or just pee in the ocean. Oh come on…don’t lie and tell me you don’t do that. It’s the ocean. Everything that lives there pees in it. However, Hilton Head has nicer places to eat and a really great Goodwill.

Anyway, now that i am a 50 year old widow who might never get a juicy kiss, I am turning into my opinionated Aunt and speaking what I think (politely, I *am* still Presbyterian, after all).

And I think I really miss Himself.

I might even get a tattoo.

Something tasteful tho.



About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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8 Responses to Thinking again

  1. jerseechik says:

    You are awesome!

  2. Bella Rum says:

    My friend has small flip flops tattooed on her foot. I take warfarin, so not for me.

    Missing the touching must be very hard. We all need that.

  3. Wife Goes On says:

    I say if you want a tattoo, go for it. Keep going where YOU need to go. Praying for you.

  4. joannajenkins50 says:

    I never had the nerve to get a tattoo– I’m a wimp, but if you want one– go for it!

    I’m with you about deciding on places to stay– I speak up and the distance to the beach and the likes DO matter 😉

    You are going through so many changes. Sigh. I have two very dear friends– one who lost her husband just 2 years ago and 1 who lost her husband 1 year ago today. That year of “firsts” is a tough one. It’s nice that you have such a great family to help but both friends talked about the missing him and the desire to feel close. Sigh again.

    Hang in there, my friend.

  5. Judy says:

    Are you okay?

  6. Have the T-shirt says:

    Havent’ heard from you for awhile, are you just busy with that new Grandbaby?

  7. Bella Rum says:

    Thinking about you.

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