This morning has been rough. I keep missing Himself so very much. Most of the time it’s a dark spot in the back of my head that I can..not really ignore, but at least acknowledge it and move on. Today, notsomuch. It’s not a dark spot at all, but kind of like my entire brain is dark and moody and feeling picked on. Oh, I will be fine, it’s all a part of the process, but it’s the bit I despise even though I know it is supposed to happen. It’s like that machine at the gym that works your triceps. I hate that thing, but use it anyway because it will deal with the bingo wings. Theoretically.
Anyway, in the interest of using all this energy that says NO WAY to being around people at church, I have been pulling weeds and letting #4 sleep in. He got home from camp yesterday, smelly and happy and telling stories about falling out of white water rafts and annoying younger Scouts. The Scouts were annoying, not him annoying them. Maybe he did, but that wasn’t his story. Whatever, you know what I mean. But the though of being around people, even very nice ones who are there for the same reason I would be there, is not something I want to do today. Maybe we will go to evening services. We’ll see. If I can make it through the rest of the day without sobbing we might go. So far, not so good.
There is so much I want to get done. So many things feel like they are pulling at me, like toddlers hanging on my leg wanting a popsicle or to read a book or needing his butt wiped. The attic needs to be emptied and purged. The gardens need weeding. Meals cooked (I am going to try the Once a Month Cooking thing, because I have not been cooking meals pretty much AT ALL and that gets expensive and not very nutritious).
Every son of mine has some sort of need for help. I don’t mind helping them but sometimes I really don’t want to. They lost their father, though, and are hurting every bit as much as I am. It is easy to forget that, sometimes. They have their whole lives ahead of them, though. Half of mine (or more) is gone past. They will eventually (probably) find their significant others and start a brand new chapter. I am starting one as well, but alone, not really to be shared with someone else. Maybe that’s where this sadness is coming from today.
I really don’t KNOW where to start. School? Business administration certificate? CNA? I would be a good CNA. I like helping people, and even the nasty helps don’t bother me. There is always work for a CNA. What about LPN? I could get that in the 2 years we have left here. I don’t know. That’s the problem. I simply don’t know. It is so easy to stay right where I am, pretending to be a housewife, carrying on with the normal duties that have been mine for the past 28 years. But pretending doesn’t work and can be dangerous or unproductive.
What about work? Who would hire me today? I have no education that isn’t 30 years out of date. I have some office work experience, but the person who could give me a recommendation died. I was the office person for Terry’s workshop, and did a damn fine job, but alas, they would have to take my word for it and who does that these days? That’s why I am leaning toward the education. Thing is, I read the want ads and all. They all say “3 years experience” and such-like. How the heck is a person supposed to get experience if no one will hire if you don’t have experience? As frustrating as it is for me, I can only imagine how it is for people who have to have the work to survive. Can I use my experience managing a household as a recommendation?
There is so much…SO MUCH…and it is all so complicated. I know I can handle it. God hasn’t brought me this far just to see me fall flat and fail. I know that. I just don’t know how much of all this He expects me to decide on. I cannot believe He would expect me to sit on my hands and wait for something to drop in my lap. He doesn’t tend to drop things, in my experience. So, I guess I’ll do what I see needs doing right now, and wait for some guidance. #4 leaves for the rest of the Summer on Saturday, so that’s when everything will really kick into gear, the whole Single Person Works Out Her Life thing.
In the mean time, I will deal with the frustration and sadness and anger at Himself and the missing him and anxiety for the future and all that as it comes, by pulling weeds and cooking. At least the energy can be used for something productive, right?