So, now it has been 12 weeks since Himself left us. 3 months. That long? that soon? Wow, huh. It’s gone from Winter to Spring. Damp and grey to blooming and warm. I wish he could see the shrubs we planted last Summer, blooming and pretty. The garden looks pretty too, he’d like that, the peas and greens, and watching the tomatoes, counting the days until he can have the first tomato sandwich of the Summer. He did love him a tomato sandwich, and I always planted a Big Boy for him. Roman Meal bread, Duke’s (of course!) mayo, a warm thick sliced Big Boy and some black pepper. 2 of those for a Summer supper and he was fine.
I’ve compared this journey with that of having a baby, how fresh and new it all is. I have a couple of friends who had babies in March, and let me squish on them for Grandma Practice. There is a grandbaby due in June…I can’t wait! Do I want to be Grandmom, Grandma, Granny? No idea. Anyway, watching these little ones grow and smile and turn red, keeps me mindful of the whole life process, birth, life, death. I am as accustomed to Himself being gone as they are to their babies being here. They are getting their schedules, learning how to manage the immense changes, as am I. They are relying on friends and family, so am I. Plans for the future, some happy, some scary…check. It gives me pause and reason for thoughtful consideration of what’s the right way to go.
I continue to be mindbogglingly grateful for what I have, family, resources, a church, friends. It moves me to tears more than the thought of Himself being gone. Seriously. I miss him still, but the realization that I am not alone, spinning in the wind…what on Earth…
And so, plans for the future continue. I am working with Dad on house plans. We drew up a design and he is getting it to an architect for the fine touches and logistical stuff (wiring, plumbing, etc). Next weekend we will walk off the area chosen, and stake-and-string it, to get it oriented to make best use of sun and shade, for solar panels. That’s right. It’s going to be a Green House. Or maybe Green-ish. Sorta. Minimal electricity, whatever. If it can be worked out to be completely off-grid eventually, that would be amazing. Lots of research is happening with this thing. We’ll see.
College? Maybe. There is a major university where I am moving, that I went to 30 years ago and could re-enroll. To what end? I don’t know. Education. Geology is interesting, all those rocks and tectonic plates and stuff. Physiology Of The Planet…fascinating stuff, that. I am old enough the students walking around would automatically think I am an instructor and be nice to me.
Or not. Cultivate 3 acres and grow enough to feed all of us. Get some chickens. Take care of Mom as her health declines, or Dad when he falls off the roof and lands on his head. (I am working on that. He is getting better about roof climbing, but he still acts like he is 40 at times).
When I read the assorted widow’s forums, it seems so many of them take several years to get to where I am now. Am I doing it wrong? I don’t know. I have always recovered from stuff quickly, kind of like “Ok, that was bad, now get on with your life.” It doesn’t mean I don’t miss him less, far from it, but there’s Stuff To Be Done and staring at the photo albums all day makes me twitchy. Once a decision has been made, it needs to be acting on immediately. Once an event has happened, it is dealt with (for the most part). His stuff is still in the closet. The bourbon is still in the cabinet. Some things, like cooking and sweeping the floors, have been neglected because I don’t really see much point in it. Who’s going to notice? Himself was the one who commented on things like that. What 16 year old boy is going to care? #4 doesn’t really, except for the food thing.
I am at that “ok why bother” stage. I haven’t seen it listed in all those Stages of Grief things, the ones that tell you what to expect and when. I am not depressed, far from it, I just simply would rather be doing something else. Sweeping is boring. Food doesn’t interest me. (because of that, I can wear my engagement ring again, something I haven’t been able to do in more than 10 years.) Being at home in general bores me. Poor dogs, I have been giving them as much time as I can but really…boring.
Can’t #4 just take some sort of test so he can graduate and move on? There’s the GED, but he wants to go to a University and those generally require a diploma. So no. The educational hoops must be jumped through. Why can’t I get a double-wide and put it on that spot? No. Dad is building the house and wants a nice one. That is a gift horse I am NOT going to look in the mouth.
And there is much to be done here. Not just physical logistical stuff, but metaphysical, spiritual, all that. There is growing and learning to be done. This baby is only 3 months old, not even crawling yet. There are hurdles I don’t even know about.
ok fine then…I’ll go sweep and plan a nice dinner.