It ain’t over yet.

I kind of lost it last night. While getting ready for bed, I spent some time looking at Himself’s dresser, which has been cleaned but not de-Himselfed (all his coin jars, the humidor, the beaker full of pens and pencils are still there), and it all came boiling up and caused a good solid 30 minute sobbing and ball-curling-up-into sort of thing. I dislike doing that on principle, but there is enough information out there that says sometimes that is necessary and a good thing. Apparently bottling up, doing that “Suck It Up” maneuver isn’t healthy. So, as long as there’s no one around to be disturbed by it (like #4, who would be VERY upset), I’ll cut loose. He was busy blowing things up in the game room (virtually, that is.)

and this morning it feels like a hangover. It’s raining and supposed to do so all day. That will make it hard to do the much needed and desired physical stuff like pulling weeds and…pulling weeds. And cutting the shin-tall grass, and pulling weeds.

What would be really cathartic would be packing to move. I love to pack up to move, as it is a chance to inventory things and decide to keep or discard. However (Lord Willing) that won’t happen for a couple of years, but I am still kind of itching to get it done. Maybe the game room.

One of the things that has been said many times is “make no major decisions for a year” and I totally understand that. Since #4 is due to graduate in 2 years, I decided we would stay here for those 2 years, and that is my “new normal” goal. We will Do The Best We Can for these 2 years, and when he is done with that school, and I am ready to move and start a new life Just Me over in Alabama, that will be the beginning of New Normal.

Himself has been gone 7 weeks now. Nearly 2 months. While I am getting used to him being gone, I am not used to him being GONE. It still feels like he is off on an extended trip or something, and then it will fall on my head, like last night, that this is FOR GOOD. He won’t ever pick through his cigars, trying to decide which one will go best with the bourbon he chose to that evening’s libation. He won’t ever leave every single piece of paper from his pocket on the corner of his dresser. I won’t wake up to the sound of his morning shower or fix his breakfast or pack his lunch. So much of my day involved HIM. Laundry, hanging up his shirts by color in the closet, making sure his pants got folded right. none of that.

I guess that’s what i am missing, those little things. I like taking care of him. I like taking care of PEOPLE. What I did for him I find myself doing for #4, without the former grumbling. Yesterday, I did his laundry and cheerfully cleaned his room. Today, we may clean the game room, an area I typically avoid because it smells of teenaged boy and Doritoes.  I feel a little bit at a loss when there isn’t someone to do stuff for in those personal ways. Probably because the last 28-1/2 years have been spent doing such. Wow…what will it be like when #4 is gone?

I remember a business I saw a while back called Daily Daughters. The people would do stuff for folks who needed help but weren’t ready to go into assisted living. They would go to the homes, take folks to doctor’s visits and the grocery store, do cleaning and cooking, that sort of thing. Maybe I should look into something like that. I would enjoy it. When I move, I will be living very close to my parents (like 100 yards or so), and likely will be caring for them that way…Mom, especially. Dad can pretty much take care of himself. They have a house cleaner already. But cooking and such, driving, all that…I guess I will be a real Daily Daughter. Plus a grandbaby…I hope to be helping with him as well. Maybe a day or two a week so DIL can have a day off. When my kids were little, I dropped them into a day care one day a week, for that reason. I would love to have a grand once in a while often.

I am doing a lot of ‘thinking out loud’ right now. I guess in an attempt to talk myself out of the blues hangover. I know that episodes of sobbing out loud and missing him terribly are to be expected for a good long time, so I am ok with it. I wouldn’t miss him if I didn’t love him.

About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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5 Responses to It ain’t over yet.

  1. jerseechik says:

    I wish there were an instant pill for the blues hangover. It sucks that the sobbing is so hard and then the aftermath is also hard. ((hugs)) I wish I could be there to hug you in person, and tell you jokes.

  2. You’d really like caregiving. It’s a great feeling, helping people live out their remaining days with dignity.

  3. Judy says:

    I didn’t realize, when you talked of moving, that it would be “back home” near family. That is going to be sweet for you! I hate all the “what might have been” moments. Be ready when the grand babe is born–you will have all the feelings of “he should be here with me,”–it will be a hard time. Just gotta concentrate on being happy for the new parents and when you get off by yourself, then you can wail, scream and be a bit angry at the world. At least–that’s what I did.

  4. Barbara says:

    (((Virtual Hugs))))

  5. elancee says:

    Oh my! *in tears* This may sound quite odd coming from a total stranger that just came across your blog yesterday (and has been binge-reading through 2010). But I am sooo sorry. I am praying for you!

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