Deeep Breath.

The hard part now is realizing that nothing will ever be as it was. Intellectually I understand that, and my brain says “alrighty then, let’s deal with it.” but the Precious princess emotional part wants to throw herself on the floor with a temper tantrum. Or act like a teenager and roll her her eyes and pout.

Strange and stupid things are throwing me off, like yesterday, the power bill came. AGAIN. I just paid it a month ago! What?! Same with the water bill, the mortgage and the car payment. Theheckyousay! I just paid them a month ago!

The attorney has asked me to refrain from paying everything off for now, until he does some attorney stuff.  Ok, he knows what he’s doing and I will go with that, but having those monthly payments is making me a bit testy. Any sort of debt does that. I don’t mind so much the monthly power, etc (even though they do seem to come so frequently), but outstanding debt, even though I *can* make the payments, is itch and anxiety causing.

It’s not just that though, it’s everything. All of it. The losses, the realization that it will be ME, The Widow Toot, in a house caring for her aging parents and young grandchildren. I will be one of those old single women people feel kind of sorry for. How do I fix that? How to I make myself interesting enough that people won’t feel kind of sorry for me, and invite me to things so I Won’t Be Lonely or something? When I move back Home, I will have to start all over again with a new set of friends and try to find a group of women who will trust me to not hit on their husbands (I hear that’s a problem) (as if I would anyway…not my thing, y’all), or a group of single women who are my age. I have no idea how to do that. Find a church, I guess. Do I even need to be worrying about that right now? I have no idea, I only know that it is something brand new that I never considered needing.

Now, I mostly don’t MIND caring for parents and grandchildren, I just don’t want that to be my identity. I never once thought about being 50 and single. My plans for the future always had another person right next to me, someone I’d known for most of my life, who shared memories as a young adult, of raising kids together, all that. My identity was tangled with Himself’s. I was A Wife. He was A Husband. We were Parents. Now it’s all so…singular. “We” is gone. “I” is here. I’m a “you” now, no more “y’all”. I hope, once I’m moved to Alabama, I can be part of a family of “we”, but I don’t want to be the one people feel obligated to include.  I want my own bit of life as well, and I am anxious about having to grow that.

I know, intellectually, how to go about it. I know how to find friends and get to places and be my own person with a life and interests. I actually know people who aren’t family in that town, people I have known for a very long time but haven’t had much contact with. So it’s not like I’m going to the moon or California or anything. I am also looking for pieces of glitter amongst the anxiety…stuff like…

There is a Publix there. I love buying groceries at Publix.

It’s only an hour (instead of 4) from my very best friend.

It’s only 1-1/2 hours from my very favorite city to shop in, Atlanta. I can flippen DAYTRIP to Atlanta! I can pick up My Very Best Friend on the way!

I will be walking distance from my grandchild(hopefully -ren)

There are a couple of excellent schools there, should I choose to educate myself (formally, that is) (one is never too old to get an education)

I will be moving back to where household Fixit Men reside. Both Pa and Son. Who will be walking distance.

This is how it is done. This is how, in the throes of fear and anxiety, I talk myself into looking forward to the change.


About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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5 Responses to Deeep Breath.

  1. jerseechik says:

    You are so amazing! Your faith is SO beautiful! You are exactly right- the worries start up, but it’s helpful to remember that God will provide- has already provided- in every way!
    The same God who provided the fix-it guys and fun day trips in your future will also provide everything else you will need- women friends who aren’t worried you’ll flirt, someone(s) to help you care for aging parents and grandkids, people who will invite you over, etc, etc, etc.
    Stuff you/we don’t even know today that you/we will need in 2 years, He’s already working to provide it! It’s like Christmas every day- we just need to open the pretty boxes when the time comes.
    I hate monthly bills, too, especially “surprise” ones. The trash bill comes every 3 months, and it came yesterday and is due on the 5th of next month. So we’ll have the money, but I won’t be able to buy every fluff I wanted to buy next month, and on top of that I get to feel guilty for calling it a ‘surprise’ bill instead of realizing it’s That Time Again.
    There are so many people who never saw your identity as ‘So-and-so’s Wife’, so we don’t identify you now as ‘Widow Toot’. (Please do forgive us when we slip and are insensitive about your grieving- the downside of identifying you separately from ‘wife’.)

  2. Matt says:

    Keep on pushing forward! I’m only 19 years old, but I know that God provides a way to help families. We are all afraid of change, but if we go through life – relying on the arm of God – we won’t have to fear. That comfort has helped me immensely these last couple months.

    This is a great video about what is possible because of Jesus Christ. I know you’ll enjoy it 🙂

  3. Barbara says:

    I running the risk of turning into *that woman* too. I see it coming down the pike, if not already halfway there. If you have the means to always be around family even with an empty nest, that is an awesome gift. Don’t take it for granted. Each day in geographic isolation from everybody – family, church – is a really hard-fought battle for me and I have had to admit dealing with a deep depression over the past year as work stresses have become constant and increasing, and I have been realizing the toll it has been taking, feeling trapped, enslaved, and without the economic resource to change it anytime soon, and the fact that I am too old to take out a new mortgage if I expect to have it paid off by retirement age. So that’s not an option for me, but my little 20+ year old double wide won’t stand forever and is always springing a leak somewhere. So on the one hand it has driven me to complete dependence on Jesus; He seems to be stripping me completely for a reason and He is very present and active in a way that I don’t hear a lot of other people around me talking about. On the other, now that my youngest is finishing college and I remain in the high-stress job, I still get the paycheck that comes with it and have a three-year plan myself that I think the Lord is inspiring to prepare me for what I have always believed He called me into the Kingdom to do anyway, and to move me out to the mission field. We’ll see what the Lord allows. It’s good to have something to look forward to, and to work toward. And you have family in close proximity to each other, and friends back home. That’s a really amazing gift. I figured you would move back to Alabama. You will be missed, but you will be surrounded by people who love you, even as you are now, and you will be blessed in your service to your family. That is the heart gift I always wanted, but which was withheld for reasons our Savior in His wisdom will reveal in the Last Day. In all things He is good, and His Kingdom reigns. ((Hugs))

  4. Bella Rum says:

    All change is a little scary. I’m glad you will be within walking distance of family, but most especially the grand baby. You’ve got some nice positive thinking going on. Not everyone holds on to that when times get tough. I have a feeling that you don’t have to worry about being invited to things because people feel sorry for you. You have a lot to offer and they will be lucky to have you.

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