The hard part now is realizing that nothing will ever be as it was. Intellectually I understand that, and my brain says “alrighty then, let’s deal with it.” but the Precious princess emotional part wants to throw herself on the floor with a temper tantrum. Or act like a teenager and roll her her eyes and pout.
Strange and stupid things are throwing me off, like yesterday, the power bill came. AGAIN. I just paid it a month ago! What?! Same with the water bill, the mortgage and the car payment. Theheckyousay! I just paid them a month ago!
The attorney has asked me to refrain from paying everything off for now, until he does some attorney stuff. Ok, he knows what he’s doing and I will go with that, but having those monthly payments is making me a bit testy. Any sort of debt does that. I don’t mind so much the monthly power, etc (even though they do seem to come so frequently), but outstanding debt, even though I *can* make the payments, is itch and anxiety causing.
It’s not just that though, it’s everything. All of it. The losses, the realization that it will be ME, The Widow Toot, in a house caring for her aging parents and young grandchildren. I will be one of those old single women people feel kind of sorry for. How do I fix that? How to I make myself interesting enough that people won’t feel kind of sorry for me, and invite me to things so I Won’t Be Lonely or something? When I move back Home, I will have to start all over again with a new set of friends and try to find a group of women who will trust me to not hit on their husbands (I hear that’s a problem) (as if I would anyway…not my thing, y’all), or a group of single women who are my age. I have no idea how to do that. Find a church, I guess. Do I even need to be worrying about that right now? I have no idea, I only know that it is something brand new that I never considered needing.
Now, I mostly don’t MIND caring for parents and grandchildren, I just don’t want that to be my identity. I never once thought about being 50 and single. My plans for the future always had another person right next to me, someone I’d known for most of my life, who shared memories as a young adult, of raising kids together, all that. My identity was tangled with Himself’s. I was A Wife. He was A Husband. We were Parents. Now it’s all so…singular. “We” is gone. “I” is here. I’m a “you” now, no more “y’all”. I hope, once I’m moved to Alabama, I can be part of a family of “we”, but I don’t want to be the one people feel obligated to include. I want my own bit of life as well, and I am anxious about having to grow that.
I know, intellectually, how to go about it. I know how to find friends and get to places and be my own person with a life and interests. I actually know people who aren’t family in that town, people I have known for a very long time but haven’t had much contact with. So it’s not like I’m going to the moon or California or anything. I am also looking for pieces of glitter amongst the anxiety…stuff like…
There is a Publix there. I love buying groceries at Publix.
It’s only an hour (instead of 4) from my very best friend.
It’s only 1-1/2 hours from my very favorite city to shop in, Atlanta. I can flippen DAYTRIP to Atlanta! I can pick up My Very Best Friend on the way!
I will be walking distance from my grandchild(hopefully -ren)
There are a couple of excellent schools there, should I choose to educate myself (formally, that is) (one is never too old to get an education)
I will be moving back to where household Fixit Men reside. Both Pa and Son. Who will be walking distance.
This is how it is done. This is how, in the throes of fear and anxiety, I talk myself into looking forward to the change.