what? ummm…where was I?

All week long I have been staying busy. I want to be gone, not at home, not being Normal and Housewife, the wife part is gone now, and being just House won’t work because I’m neither male nor drug addled. I don’t want to be here, but when I’m elsewhere there isn’t any place I’d rather be than home.

I can’t decide…here or there, alone or with someone, with family or friends, at church or shopping, no clue. When I am here, there looks more interesting. With family, friends are more fun, with friends, the comfort of family is desired. I am too tired to cook but long for the comfort of a complicated meal that took hours to prepare.

I’m like some flippen’ toddler who says NO all day long to everything, then sits down and cries when I don’t get what I want.

At least it’s raining and cooling everything off so I don’t have to wonder if the air conditioning should FINALLY be turned on. It’s lovely really, the cool breeze and rattle of rain on the metal roof.

The ol’ attention span is so short right now, that’s frustrating as w….

What was I saying?

Right now, the only solace I am finding is in shopping, which COULD be a dangerous thing, but it’s more like this crazy hunting expedition…at Goodwill. I have been stopping at every Goodwill store I find, looking for Hawaiian shirts for #4, who loves them, and also managing to find super stuff for myself, like linen shirts from Talbots, and so on. It is so satisfying to find a shirt you saw in a catalog for $120 last year, and get it for $4.  Linen in the South is neces….

What was I saying?

2 days in  row now I have gone to Savannah with a friend, different ones, that is. it has been really nice, times to NOT be thinking about my own issues, getting to know people better, and eating either ladylike chicken salad, or a huge bucket of crab legs and slurping lemony meat out of the legs, using my fingers to eat.

I can’t even write a coherent post with a single topic. There is so much that needs doing and yet I do not want to do it. I just don’t. My heels are dug in and that 2 year old who says NO is right on the surface with a belligerent look and bottom lip stuck out. SCREW YOU she says, and goes back to cracking crab legs.

The house is pretty much a mess, but I don’t care. The food we have been eating lately is the quick-to-fix stuff, salady things and opened cans of stuff and Oh Crap It’s Six And I Haven’t Started Supper Yet What’s In The Pantry meals. Fortunately Himself isn’t here to care and #4 is Easy To Please. I would be content with a granola bar and a glass of wine (haven’t yet figured out which granola bar pairs best with cheap Pino Grigio), or just a handful of grapes…which explains why I can pull my pants off without unbuttoning them now…Really it would probably be better for us both if I acted like I cared and made a real meal that we sat at the table to eat, and occasionally I can pull that off. Not today, though. Today will involve sandwiches or maybe one of those Sandra Lee type salads made of 4 cans of Asian vegs and a bag of cole slaw mix. Top it off with some bottled ginger Sesame dressing and boom. “Dinner”. I wonder what kind of cocktail she made to go with it?

Have you ever watched her make a cocktail? it goes like this:

First you put in the vodka *gluglugluglug*…oh there’s only half a bottle left, go ahead and add that, no reason to waste it. Then you add some Amaretto *gluglugluglug*…(swig…oh that’s good) let’s add some more *glugluglug* then some ice *clinkclink* and fill the pitcher with juice *sploot*

It explains why she’s so happy, I guess.

I won’t do that, just watching it makes me swimmy headed, but it is fun to mock.

where was I?

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About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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4 Responses to what? ummm…where was I?

  1. jerseechik says:

    “There is so much that needs doing and yet I do not want to do it. I just don’t. My heels are dug in and that 2 year old who says NO is right on the surface with a belligerent look and bottom lip stuck out. SCREW YOU she says, and goes back to cracking crab legs.” This really struck a memory- I’ve felt that way before. It’s like part of me realizes how powerless I am in the current circumstances, so I rebel, I try to grab the power.

    What’s weird is I rebel in ways that hurt me instead of whoever squeezed me into the nasty situation- I indulge in overeating, overspending, pulling an all-nighter with a Netflix marathon, something that says “I can do what I want!” at the time, but punishes me later. Is it because I believe this: If I’m being punished, at least that means someone cares enough to set me straight? Am I craving having someone care enough to set boundaries for me?

    I’m sure your reasons for having a season of unstructured daily life are vastly different, and even these ‘wild’ days aren’t so very wild- you haven’t called me to post bail yet! I think it’s another turn in the road toward the New Normal (but probably not the final turn), but what do I know?

    • rootietoot says:

      I probably am rebelling against circumstances. So much time has been spent being responsible in all this, dealing with everything…I am tired of being responsible and want to NOT BE for a while. Maybe I am taking a vacation from it all, for a while. Something.

  2. Judy says:

    “I don’t want to be here, but when I’m elsewhere there isn’t any place I’d rather be than home.” Perfect description and after 3 years, I still feel the same way. (pout)

    • rootietoot says:

      Judy, you make me smile, because here you are, 3 years out, and still alive. It gives me hope that all this really isn’t going to kill me dead. It will have to be something else that isn’t this.

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