I am tired. All of this makes me tired these days. Sometimes anger reigns supreme and that makes me tired. I want to smack himself on the top of his head and ask WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME even though I know that’s not really rational. No one ever said life would be fair and there is no reason why mine should be any different.
But I am still tired and a bit pissy about the whole situation. Kind of like Grace (the cat) when she gets caught out in the rain, and comes crashing through the pet door yelling all sorts of stuff that probably shouldn’t be translated if there are children in the room. That’s exactly how I feel a lot. Like cussing and throwing things and then a nap is needed. or a vacation. Something.
The day trip to the beach last week was restorative for us both. I know…he had schoolwork and all. #4 has a BIG project to work on that the teacher has been graceful enough to give him some extra time on, but it still has to be done and I am trying to keep him on task but dadgum…it’s hard enough to keep my own self on task with the normal household stuff and what with being angry and sad and generally discombobulated because there isn’t anyone to bounce ideas off of anymore. I can only imagine how he feels, at 16…
Himself and I did that constantly…little stuff like “pancakes or waffles” and now I have to make all those decisions. I hate making decisions like that. Thus we wind up eating cereal because it’s easier. Sunday morning was his day to make breakfast. I don’t want to do it. Fortunately today there’s muffins from a friend. No decisions necessary. however I forgot to set up the coffee pot last night so there’s no coffee. Tea instead. It’s faster. Probably easier on the stomach as well. Whatever. I don’t care. Leave me alone with my bad attitude.
We WILL go to church today. Sitting in a different place last week was helpful. I have no idea what to wear and no one to ask. #4 has no opinions about it. All I know is that I won’t show up in my bathrobe. Maybe something black and covered with cat hair.
Maybe if it’s cool enough…or warm enough…or whatever…I’ll go into the garden and pull a weed or mulch a potato. #4 will work on his project. I don’t care how mushy his brain is…it needs to be done. REALLY. All I am asking of him is that he pass this semester so he can go to 11th grade. Believe me, I am so painfully aware of how hard it is to think right now, and it hurts to make him do this, but part of growing up (even suddenly) is doing the hard stuff. I don’t want to pull out the “i know it’s hard but so are attorneys and pensions late bills and planning a funeral the day after your husband dies” I won’t do that to him. But I certainly WILL say something about how the hard stuff has to get done, whether we want to or not.
I wish we could set aside 3 months and go away from all this. Someplace without memories of Himself so we could reminisce over him at our own pace, without being hit in the face with his stuff. Life doesn’t work that way, though. I know this. You know how in Scandinavian countries, everyone in the family gets a whole bunch of leave time when a baby is born? Like months and months. Having your spouse die is just as life-altering. I think we should get leave time for that as well. My kid is smart. He could do it. but, it doesn’t work that way. There is a System that keeps society functioning smoothly and we are all a part of that. We are not so special that huge concessions should be made for us. Even if i think they should.
I want to mope. I want a pity party. I want to feel better, have energy again, some enthusiasm and optimism. I want to throw things and scream, lay down and sleep, be happy and have some fun, enjoy my days and sleep well at night. I want my kids to do the same, to move ahead with their lives and remember Himself fondly without pain or regret.
Don’t we all have that, though, those regrets? I guess I should make a motivational speech about living life with no regrets or something, but how realistic is that? How on Earth do you live your life, if other people are involved, without doing things you regret later? How do you do that if you are human and flawed? Fortunately there is a way to put them aside and move on, but that it the hardest part, putting them aside. I think about the things Himself did that irritated me, and how I wasn’t particularly gracious about them. But I also realize that we were living our lives as if we were going to be together for a good long time. 30 years together *was* a good long time.
But I am still angry and sad and pissy and sentimental and O Poor Me. It’s getting better. The O Poor Me is leaving and being replaced with Ok I Can Do This. The anger is being replaced with REALLY, HIMSELF? THANKS A LOT BUT HOPE YOU’RE HAVING FUN UP THERE. Sad is still sad. Pissy is still pissy but that is actually kind of normal for me, irritable at other people’s shortcomings. As if I have none…
Himself would be pleasantly surprised to see me sentimental. He always thought I was far too pragmatic. I am sure he thought I would have his closet cleared out within a week. I still haven’t touched it and have no desire to. I like having his stuff hanging there. It will stay there until it becomes weird. His rocking chair, which I have been wanting to paint bright red for a couple of years, remains brown. All the stuff I wanted to change while he was alive, has stayed the same. Not because I can’t move on, or am holding onto it like a altar, but because I don’t want to, am not ready to, see no reason to. I think sleeping alone and not having someone to decide “pancakes or waffles” with is enough to manage for now.