It was nice to spend a few days not looking at constant reminders that Himself isn’t here. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly didn’t forget, but stomping through the woods and finding an epic dogwood log with #2, eating fried rattlesnake with his family for #4’s birthday (tastes like chicken only chewier), going to a movie with #4 and Bro. Scott, generally not being In Charge All The Time except kinda…anyway, doing something different for a few days, that was nice.
I found a site for a new house. There is a giant poplar tree, and a farkleberry bush that Mom tried to fuss about my unwillingness to consider bending the house around it…and yes I know that is a horribly constructed sentence but you get the idea. It’s a pretty spot with a sunny enough area for roses, that can be admired from the eventual porch. When I showed Dad the house plan, he opined that the rooms were too small, and suggested keeping the general layout, but making it bigger by about 25%. I can’t picture it so #4 and I are going into the back yard with a tape measure, stakes, and string, and laying out the house.
Boy, I missed Himself this week. Usually when we go there, guns come out and much noise and hooting commences. He pulls out a matched pair of Colt 1911’s and shoots 2-fisted…yes. He could do that. I have my Colt Peacemaker .357 and try (unsuccessfully) to shoot a smiley face into the target at 50 yard. Something about wobbly arms but at least the target is hit most of the time. That didn’t happen. The woods stayed quiet this time, there was no pinging of the metal target and no pauses between the noise for reloading. Bro. Scott showed mad skills with a Springfield .45, though…but the tire went flat on the utility cart so the target thing (a leaf spring from a truck with a body target thing welded to a hinge that was welded to the spring, so it swayed when hit) got left in the woods for #3 to find and be impressed with the marks. I didn’t much feel like shooting stuff. It’s isn’t quite the same these days. Maybe one day, but not right now.
I dreamed about him last night, nothing fancy, but I dreamed that he was laying in the bed next to me, young and lean like he was 25 years ago, and he smiled and said “hi”…that was it. He always said “hi” first thing in the morning. It was sweet. Kind of warm and fuzzy, but all these held-back emotions came bubbling to the surface and for the rest of the day the least thing has been making me tear up and get all soggy.
In a way, it is a big relief to be moving ahead, even though it is also terrible and pain-filled. I am kind of enjoying making decisions on my own, without much more consideration than “I wonder what he’d think”, because he isn’t here to have an opinion about it. Many of them I think he would approve of- building a house that is what I want, all that. We had talked about retiring to this place anyway…the timetable has moved up, that’s all. And I am doing it alone now.
I don’t really like that part, the alone. It is not comfortable for me. Maybe I’m just not used to it yet, but it isn’t something I really *want* to get used to. I enjoy taking care of someone, beyond myself. It is best, for now though. I, in my heart, am still married. This house and family are still *ours*, the dreams are still *ours*. I am still a part of a *we* and half of a *y’all* and haven’t yet figured out how to cook for a me+son. I am ok with that. It feels good to still be part of a *we*. I know gradually I will change to a me, and one day I will feel that way, but today is not that day, and probably not even this year.
I still resent God for taking Himself…even though I know Himself gets to be *there*, and filled with joy and contentment, instead of *here* where he was frustrated and impatient with other people. I am too human to be able to calmly accept everything all the time. Thankfully, He is a forgiving God and since He was here as a man a while back, understands our shortcomings.
Anyway, I am missing Himself terribly right now, since I got a few minutes with him this morning before waking up. I wonder how long that will go on, how often will he show up in my dreams, what will he say, and why is that even happening. In that dream he looked so rested, content and peaceful. It was a wonderful thing to see, even though I woke up face wet with tears. That is how I remember him now, when I think of him…how he was 25 years ago. That is who I saw all along.