Spring break is here now. Yay. That’s my enthusiasm level right now. Even though it means an entire week of not getting up until I want to, not going to bed too early unless I want to, all that. Big deal, y’all.
Call me Merry Sunshine.
Good news is we are going to visit some family this week. I am going to spend time walking over a piece of land, to choose a spot to build a house. Then I’ll spend some time with a friend who lives near there. Also celebrate #4’s 16th birthday. He isn’t quite ready to drive yet, as that broken collar bone has prevented us from being able to get out with the car and the checklist to see that everything is covered. O well. As long as he has it by Summer, I’ll be ok. He is going to need it to get back and forth from UFD’s and the Grands.
Everything is all colors and blooming and lovely things right now and normally it is my favorite time. Typically I would be outside every day, looking at the roses and making note of how big/how many buds are on them. Now though? Meh. I did go to the store today and buy plants for the veg garden- an assortment of herbs, tomatoes and peppers. The squash, cukes, melons, and sunflowers are already started from seeds and will be ready to transplant after Easter. Doing it before then is an invitation for a late frost. All the stuff will go into the (tiny little, actually just a shelf unit with a plastic cover) greenhouse before we leave. #4 is looking forward to sunflowers. I planted 8 pots for giant ones, and 8 for the smaller multicolored types. All are good for seeds for the birds.
Enthusiasm…it ain’t here. I am not worried about it, it’s just kind of unfortunate. Well, given the circumstances, understandable as well. I am weary of all of it. The worry for my kids, the constant paperworks and appointments and one-more-damn-thing-I-forgot-to-do. The “Oh…I forgot about that bill that Himself always paid online 3 days before it was due and now it’s late and there’s a fee.” And the “Oh right, Himself isn’t going to call and see if I need anything so I will have to make an extra trip to get the milk we ran out of with my last cup of coffee.”
You don’t even realize how much you rely on the other person until you can’t. I imagine how he would be if I were the one who was gone. He would run out of underwear, and by the end of the first month, be living out of a laundry basket and off frozen dinners. Eventually a routine would get in place, but these things take longer than a month. I need to weed the gardens terribly, but days normally spent pulling weeds and baking bread are now spent at the social security office, or with an attorney, or a banker, or trying to decipher Affordable Health Care online. There is no time for such luxuries right now. Soon, however. I am almost at the top of the paperwork mountain and preparing to slide downhill. Maybe by the end of this month, everything will be in place…insurance, investment income will be starting to come in, then the gardens can get tidied up and look less…whatever. Untidy.
At this point I have no way of figuring out what to expect, what a new routine will involve, deciding whether to find work or start school. There has been no discernible “normal” for a month. Every day, every single one of them, has had some sort of abnormality to it, even if you take Himself out of the equation. Some sort of crisis, normally nothing much, but compounded by the crackling feeling of hypersensitive emotions, adds drama to the normally not-much of appointments and meetings. Those are also dramatically increased, thanks to ALL THE PAPERWORK. It seems like everyone needs a piece of Himself or me, or both, some sort of proof that we existed together for more than half our lives. I have learned to keep a file folder with many documents all notarized…proof of our existence from birth to death. So much for that whole ‘paperless society’ fantasy from the 1980’s.
I will say something I said a while back. Do not speak unkindly to me of Government workers. Every last one of them has been kind, helpful, and understanding. Even today, at the social security office, the woman helping me noticed that my driver’s license was fixing to expire, and that the name on my social security card differed slightly from the one on my license, so she issued me a new card with a name that matched the license. “They will give you lots of grief if the names don’t match exactly, so I’m changing this for you.” It was merely a matter of how I dropped my first name when we married, because I never used it, and picked up my maiden name as my middle name. So nothing fishy was going on, but she caught it and fixed it. Same with the person at the Health Care marketplace thing. I didn’t understand the proof on income requirements, as they would apply to my situation (since I don’t have income right now, just a lump sum), and he explained carefully how I could come up with some kind of acceptable proof. He could have talked to me like I was a ninny, but didn’t. Thank you, Government Workers.