Last night and this morning have been hard. The one handle I hold on to with every bit of strength is that “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) because I refuse to give in to the despair that tries to overwhelm my spirit. It isn’t going to it. Knowing that God has a plan through all of this, every single piece of hardship and pain, knowing that He will take this and make something wonderful out of it…even though I have no idea what that will be…that gets me through the dark nights and lonely mornings.
I see how this is affecting my children and want to take every bit of their pain and confusion on myself so they won’t have to carry it, but it is their story, too. Something will come out of this for them. Their pain is mine as well, but we all lean on each other, cry together, get angry, all the stuff that has come from this, we are all feeling it in our own way. I am profoundly thankful that they aren’t alone in it all. Sometimes it feels lonely, but that’s normal.
I miss being touched so very much. Getting a hug, or having a beard tickle my neck…realizing slowly that may never happen again is daunting. Honestly I am trying not to think of it and take each day as it comes but sometimes it is just THERE…
Last night I pulled out the envelope of pictures I put out at his memorial service, all those memories from our wedding, all through the life of 28-1/2 years of marriage, children growing up, all that washed over my mind and I am so very thankful for those years together. They weren’t perfect years, we are humans and flawed, but even in the hardest times I loved him deeply, as he did me.
One of the people he loved the most was his grandfather. It gives me a great deal of comfort knowing that Himself is with God, and with his grandfather. I imagine the 2 of them seeing each other, and Himself being guided into the Kingdom of Heaven to meet God face to face, and that is an incredibly joyful thought.
So even though I am very teary-eyed today, and even though I worry about my kids (even though I am not supposed to worry…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7) , through the whole thing, this convoluted mess of life, I am coming to terms with it. I know that in the face of eternity, all this mess is nothing. i know eventually here in this life I will be ok. My kids will have to come to terms with it in their own ways. I am here for them to help as best I can, but eventually they will hopefully realize that they aren’t required to carry the weight of it on their own, and can walk with God, who loves them more than I can ever imagine to. He doesn’t promise to make us happy, but He does promise to guide us, and promises an eternity that is better than anything we can imagine.
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, (2 Timothy 1:7-9)
A friend told me all this is sanctification, that through the pain and hardship, I am coming closer to Christ, and that is true. There is NO WAY I could do this by myself. I simply don’t have the strength to. but God’s grace and guidance gets me dressed in the morning, makes me put one foot in front of the other every day, and do what must be done. I don’t like it, and sometimes I want to lay down and sleep through all of it. That isn’t going to happen. It just isn’t.