The Fear Factor

fear

I am not a fearful person. Not courageous either, really, just not one to limit activities based on what might happen.  Or wasn’t, anyway. Tell me you didn’t see that coming.

There has, all my adult life, been a safety net. Himself and I, being a pair, were each other’s backup plans.  If one of us went out of town, the other one was generally here in the event of someone getting sick or injured. If one got a flat tire, the other one was close enough to rescue. If one was sick, the other was around to fetch chicken soup and a warm blanket. We relied on each other and it wasn’t necessary to rely on the kindness of others.

I was able to go out and drive extra fast and probably recklessly, when irritated or feeling frisky, comfortable in the knowledge that if I wiped out and died a dramatic Steve McQueenesque death, someone was there to tend to the boys. Of course, I didn’t tell Himself that I thought this way, as he was a careful sort and would have bee horrified. Tho I suspect he already knew and was indulgent enough to turn a blind eye.

now though…notsomuch.  #4 is spending the evening and into the night with a group of men at the church, smoking some 100+ boston butts for a sale. On the way home, I thought it was a nice cool evening and wouldn’t it be fun to go out and haul-ass on the back roads. Only, I think the Ghost Of Himself pinched the back of my arm and reminded me that he, Himself, was no longer a corporeal being who could fill in should I become a grease spot. Disappointment ensued as it sunk in that it is unlikely I will ever go out again and drive like a 17 yr old hooligan in his uncle’s Chevelle SS.  I guess that isn’t really appropriate for a Woman Of A Certain Age anyway.

Then fear sunk in. The Small Voice started listing all the horrible things that could happen if I went more than 5 miles away from home.  Savannah drivers are terrible, and I might get in a wreck! Atlanta traffic is so fast, I might get in a wreck! I better not drink that glass of wine/ favored martini/delicious vodka concoction, what if #4 gets hurt somewhere else and I can’t go get him? WHAT IS YOUR BACKUP PLAN??! What if I choke on that bit of bone? Don’t eat that! you might choke! Don’t go upstairs, what if you slip and fall! DON’T PLUG IN THAT APPLIANCE YOU MIGHT GET ELECTROCUTEDDON’TMOVESTANDBENDBRUSHYOURTEETHYOUMIGHT DIE

And that seems silly. Am I supposed to allow fear to control the rest of my life? Are what-might-happens supposed to dictate every single move I make? Am I going to be one of those sad women who cower and shake at the least little sound of something unknown?

67e3a-tumblr_m7z4gwnufj1r8fvju

I sure hope not. That sounds so boring.

But the thought that there isn’t Himself to call in an emergency, or that I am the only one in the house at night can be daunting. except for Maybelline and the box of hollow points.

maybelline

Advertisements

About rootietoot

I do what I can.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The Fear Factor

  1. Barbara says:

    It’s an adjustment, being single. Nobody said it was easy. There are things I avoid doing because I live alone – like climbing too high on a ladder outdoor to paint – simply because there wouldn’t be anyone around to call 911 if something happened and I lay out here for days unable to move. And there’s nobody to hold the ladder. Being in the country and all. Nobody would miss me until I didn’t show up for work and even then….. You just have to be wise about things. Not fearful, just responsible. And wait till you get enough help to do some things. Push yourself to do some things.

    Ask the Lord for the mundane things. I have to tell you that the list of our heavenly Husband’s kind provisions in taking care of my small and large needs is growing longer and longer. I needed the right dog to have around for companionship and to fend off the fat possum that was stealing my cats’ food, I asked the Lord for help, and within a couple of weeks Beggars killed Charlotte’s chickens and was given to me – a breed that was specifically bred to keep vermin off of farms. I asked for wisdom in how best to steward my land, and I was given the help of Alanna who needed to do a permaculture design for certification, and she has brought wisdom to bear (though the rains are delaying things). Not even a need, but jsut this amazing kindness – the Lord knew one of the unspoken desires of my heart, as a sweet kindness I was offered the means and the money to take my son up to Summerville and retrieve what was left of my Grandparents’ antique furniture, and in the process brought home a print of a the Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem that hung over my grandmother’s bed when I was a child, which it turned out she had drawn, and which I had secretly always wanted to keep but thought was destroyed forever – and along with that so many books and writings and pictures, a covenantal legacy that I had no idea about. I am constantly on need of home repairs, enough of them to keep me humble and willing to make good use of a wash basin; but someone anonymously donated $7000 to give me a new roof a few years ago, as I had holes in my ceiling where rain had burst through – and it went on just 2 days -DAYS! – before we had all that snow back in 2009 that would have collapsed it. And needed transport of my lawnmower to Statesboro and back for repair going on now. So many kindnesses. He is so ever-faithful to care for us. These I asked the Lord for, and He has granted in such a way as to make known His sweetness, His faithfulness in provision so that I learn over time not to fret, and reminding me of my ever-constant need of Him. Having been single for 14 years without Him, the vast difference is just amazing. Even alone, I am not alone. Neither are you. You have the same God and Father, the same Heavenly Husband, and when it gets cold and blustery and scary out there, remember that you are His and He will uphold you; and ask for His Comforter and care, knowing that He who has promised is faithful.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s