There are others grieving the loss of Himself. 4 children lost their father, 2 peoople lost their son. I reckon that is just as painful as losing a husband. it is easy to get wrapped up in my pain and forget that.
Yesterday. #4 was also having a Bad Day. We were in the car and he said “Mom, we need to lean on each other. Neither of us can do this without the other one.” Then he said “We’re like 2 halves of an arch, and even if we lean on each other it’s still easy for one to lean too hard and we both fall over. We need a capstone. Jesus is our capstone.”
He’s right about that. I hear things like “You’re so strong” and “I don’t know how you do it” and such. I am not strong. but I am determined. My children know that they don’t have their father to rely on, that’s who they went to anytime they needed to know something, or wanted to talk, or whatever. Now it’s all on me, and them…but see that picture, the rock on top? It is putting pressure on the rock it is on top of, and that it turn is keeping those other rocks from falling down.
I cannot do this by myself. I know myself well enough to know that. but because I have my God, who gives me strength, I *can* do this. My children *can* do this. I have days (like yesterday) where I feel terribly overwhelmed and sad, and if it weren’t for my faith, that would turn into despair and I wouldn’t want to live anymore. Don’t give me words about Inner Strength and Self Reliance. I know what/who I was 30 years ago, and Who changed me. I know sometimes now, a thought wanders into my head (Get thee behind me, satan!) about “what’s the point” and “it sure would be easier if…” but I KNOW those aren’t the answer to anything.
If I look at this whole situation as an exercise, something that is refining me like gold in a furnace and burning away the crap and stuff that kept me from being gold, it is worth it. If this whole situation is something that I will eventually USE, in a very real way, to help people in similar situations, then it is worth it. yes, right now it hurts like Hell and I wish so often that life could go back to the way it was, but it won’t, and this is the time big girl panties are more important than ever. God is using me, somehow, I don’t know how, but it is a GOOD thing. Even though it hurts.
I remember a few months ago, maybe in the Fall, sitting in my chair one morning, with a cup of coffee and hearing the world wake up, and thinking ‘Wow, things are really going well.” I felt like I was in a holding pattern for something. I remember saying to Himself something about feeling a bit stagnant, like I had no idea what was meant for my future, but that something was going to happen to change things. I was right, wasn’t I. This was a change I didn’t consider, but there it is.
I am not in a holding pattern anymore. Now I am in a fighter plane, screaming through mountains and canyons, dodging missiles and bullets and praying for dear life to get to the other side intact. I suppose it’s a “Jesus, Take The Wheel!” sort of thing.