We all have them, don’t we. Those days we wake up and KNOW it is going to be a great day! There’s energy, the coffee turned out right, and the kids get up the second time you stir them. Sunshine and bluebirds O yes.
Then there’s the days we wake up and…none of that. Rain, dog poop, and meetings with attorneys. You try to improve things by smiling a forced smile and eating at the Mexican place with it’s cheery mariachi music, but the tamale sits in your stomach like a blob of lead and the other household resident is also having a bad day, but he needs YOUR encouragement so it’s the setting aside of your OWN needs to assist him.
These are the days I close my eyes and repeat every single Bible verse I can remember that tells me to Run The Good Race and All things work for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose and I have to remember that all of this, even the rain and dog poop and attorneys, was planned way back at the beginning of time and serves a real purpose. Even though I don’t like it but then I’m not God, am I. Good thing, too because I would screw it up.
There are so many piles on the table. I want to clear it off so we can eat meals like civilized people, but there aren’t enough file folders. Himself’s office is going to get cleared out this weekend and I need to start the process by clearing off his bookshelf but I don’t have enough boxes and it’s pouring rain and I really don’t want to go buy more right now. Himself’s workshop is getting cleared out this weekend as well and it is an embarrassing mess and I don’t have to heart to go clean it up before they get here. It needs it terribly but it is all I can do to get the table cleared off.
I just…can’t. I can’t do it. I am bone weary deep down inside. I have been running and smiling and doing the best I can and getting things accomplished and this stuff NEEDS to be done…and it just isn’t in there. I can’t be funny today. I can’t be energetic or organized or ANYTHING except terribly sad, and even that can’t be done entirely because there is a 15 year old boy in the house who misses his father intensely today, and he needs consolation more than I do. There are 2 grown sons here, who miss their father, and another one in another state who misses him and need him more than I do.Or as much as, maybe. I don’t know. I just know that today is not a Good day.
Today I miss him, I am angry at him for leaving us, I am thankful that he isn’t here to see us so sad, he would feel terrible about it. I guess I am confused about everything right now.