Yesterday #4 went to a movie and a bonfire with some friends, and spent the night there. That meant it was just me and the animals. From 2pm until whenever he calls today.
I was nervous, but knew he needed it. What would happen when I am here all lone? Was I going to collapse in a heap and wail until the dogs started wailing with me? What about supper? Does it matter? Was my mind going to go to that place where I start asking “does ANYTHING matter?”
That isn’t what happened. I watch a tv show no one else would have liked but I did. I ate a brownie. And another one. And watched more tv, without feeling bad about hogging it with a show no one else would like. I talked to God and thanked Him for his provisions thus far. I talked to Terry and told him I missed him but we would be ok.
Then I started looking at little things to change. There are things I want new. Not big things like furniture or cars or a whole new set of dishes, little things that are personal. I want a new mug in the bathroom. One that doesn’t have John Wayne on it. A pretty one. And new pajamas. Pajamas are kind of intimate, even if they’re cotton t-shirt stuff, and I want my own now. That I chose and no one is going to comment on them. “Those pajamas aren’t sexy even if they are pink and covered with hearts”.
I want sheets for the bed that I will be the only person to have ever slept on them, and a bedspread that is pretty and feminine. A friend suggested that, when ready, I rearrange the bedroom and give it a new coat of paint. That is a good idea. Maybe this Summer when #4 is gone for weeks.
I am not trying to erase him, that will never happen. But I would like my own things, choices made with no consideration of someone else’s opinion of them. Gradually over time, as #4 leaves home and I build the house in Alabama, bigger stuff will get replaced. Furniture, etc. Don’t misunderstand, he always left the decisions up to me, concerning the house. “You’re the one living in it the most” he said, “you get what you want” but nonetheless, I always considered what he would like first, because he lived here too. Now though, it isn’t like that anymore. I am sad, but he is not my idol, and this house is not his shrine. I love him and miss him, but he isn’t *here* anymore.