* apparently a button was punched that made one paragraph change to very large letters. NO idea which one, but there it is. The Management apologizes for any inconvenience or disruption this may have cause.
There is a cold and drizzling rain, more like February than March. The crock pot lid is making that bonking noise, it’s a cheap crockpot with lousy temperature control but I don’t care because in it is pork, pineapple, and chilis in adobo, so we can have tacos al pastor for supper. There are 3 dogs snoring like lumberjacks under the table, which is covered in piles of paperwork. This pile is medical bills, that one goes to the attorney, the cat is washing herself on top of some other stuff, and the largest pile is, happily, trash.
Medical bills are starting to trickle in. I am not looking forward to seeing exactly what-all was done, item by item. But they will be looked at closely, because I have a fascination with these things and will probably go online and investigate the assorted stuffs that were done to him.
I went to TJMaxx today, to look for black clothes. How morbid, right? I made a delightful discovery, amidst all this heartache and decision making and loss of appetite: If you decide to wear black, you don’t have to decide what to wear! This morning, instead of standing in front of the closet for 10 minutes, unable to decide anything, it was just grab the black. boom. Done. Maybe that was the origin of widow’s weeds. One day, maybe even this Summer (when black will be impractical) I’ll switch to khaki or even white (probably not white), but for now…just the simple relief of not having to make that one stupid decision is tremendous. TJMaxx had plenty of black things, nothing fancy, nice knit tops and a sweater, and a new coffee cup.
A new coffee cup…it has always been something that cheered me up. I love a hot cup of coffee or a perfect cup of tea, and having a pretty new mug is kind of…I don’t know…it’s nice. I did something nice for myself that wasn’t foolishly expensive or impractical. No one is going to begrudge me a $4 coffee mug. It’s right there, twixt the piles of paper and ink pens and highlighters.
Household bills are coming in, the stuff Himself paid online, with things like LATE!! written on them, but I am not worried, because…seriously…what could they possibly do that would be worse than what done to me 3 weeks ago? Also, I am finding out that my friend was right, you get to play the Widow Card. All I do is call the customer service number, and say “HelpDead Husband! No Password!” and they go “Oh, OK! Here, I’ll remove the late fee and help you make a payment (or move the date, or whatever)”. I am fine with making the payment, the attorney said if possible, keep up with them, and it is possible. I have had some trouble navigating the electronic push-a-button-to-do-a-thing systems, so going to customer service directly (usually hit 0) gets things done easier. It’s also talking to a human, which makes things like late fees and penalties drop easily.
Himself hated making payments late, I know he would be embarrassed about all this if he weren’t busy learning how to play the guitar for Jesus. (He totally is, he always wanted to learn how and now he is no longer tone deaf nor
rhthym rythum (I can never spell that word)rhythm (there! Got it! third time’s a charm)-deficient. But I can also feel him (kind of) cheering me on about getting things done.
I am, dare I say lest someone give me the stink-eye (which I don’t care, what could possibly be worse that what happened 3 weeks ago), feeling cheerful and optimistic today. I have many projects, several plates successfully spinning in the air, and a sense of purpose. I have decided to quit worrying about if I have had time to properly process and grieve. It isn’t my family’s way to sit around and mope. We get busy.
I am not ready to go through his stuff yet, and I have been carefully and deliberately avoiding his truck. I did, however, throw away his spare toothbrush, and have A Plan regarding his clothes. He was always giving his stuff away. I want to find someone his size, who needs clothes, and give them to him. Not to Goodwill, because that is impersonal. I want to KNOW someone will actually benefit from them. I don’t have to know the person, he could be the uncle or brother (etc) of someone, but to know that he benefited in a real way from all this stuff would make it much easier to give them away. It feels right to do it this way.
It has been a good day. Today has been a good, good day. Thank You, God, for a day I can smile about. Thank You for #4’s good day at school, where he was able to laugh about doing horribly on several quizzes, because what could possibly happen to him that was worse than what happened 3 weeks ago? He told me on the way home that his whole perspective on life was changed, for the better.