It was exhausting today. Every day is exhausting these days, waking up and just getting out of bed feels like I’m covered with 100 wet quilts. Too much to do to lay down and feel sorry for myself though. None of that nonsense when you’re the Responsible Adult for the household now. None of this sharing-the-job stuff anymore.
That is, for the moment, the hardest part. I know it will get easier but right now, while I am still trying to process and mourn and just be able to simply MISS Himself, there is too much to do. Too many decisions to make and not the easy kind, either. This whole business of having to set aside my own desires entirely, to take care of the needs of the household…I think it is intended to be shared. This….all these decisions with no one who has a vested interest and opinion to bounce them off of…that’s rough, y’all. People are being as helpful as they can, but eventually it all boils down to “It’s really up to you.” Before, I could narrow things down a bit, then ask Himself for his opinion, and we would discuss and he would usually be the one to make the final decision. Right now, I want to curl up into a fetal ball and let someone else decide for me…everything, all of it. (better not, wouldn’t be prudent.)
Or, I want to pack a suitcase for each of us, load up the dogs and cats into #4’s 20 year old 4-Runner, and drive away. Just leave it all for someone else to fool with. I can’t, though. There’s too much. A house, properties, assets, all stuff that will eventually contribute to our well being. Right now, they are a concrete weight chained around my shoulders. I am used to having Himself help carry it. I guess it’s time to grow some muscles.
I have always wondered how single parents do it, juggling work and home, family and self. I guess now I will find out, eh.
As I am going through health insurance decisions and investment options and when and what and how, I keep catching myself saying “I need to call Himself and get his input” or “Oh, let me call Himself on this first” even five minutes after telling the banker why I was there. Old habits and all. That will have to change.
This evening, #4 was helping me clean up the kitchen and we were discussing him returning to school tomorrow. He said “I wish I could just go to bed, and wake up tomorrow with everything back the way it’s supposed to be.” Yeah, bud, me too.