Dead weight

It was exhausting today. Every day is exhausting these days, waking up and just getting out of bed feels like I’m covered with 100 wet quilts. Too much to do to lay down and feel sorry for myself though. None of that nonsense when you’re the Responsible Adult for the household now. None of this sharing-the-job stuff anymore.

That is, for the moment, the hardest part. I know it will get easier but right now, while I am still trying to process and mourn and just be able to simply MISS Himself, there is too much to do. Too many decisions to make and not the easy kind, either. This whole business of having to set aside my own desires entirely, to take care of the needs of the household…I think it is intended to be shared.  This….all these decisions with no one who has a vested interest and opinion to bounce them off of…that’s rough, y’all.  People are being as helpful as they can, but eventually it all boils down to “It’s really up to you.” Before, I could narrow things down a bit, then ask Himself for his opinion, and we would discuss and he would usually be the one to make the final decision.  Right now, I want to curl up into a fetal ball and let someone else decide for me…everything, all of it. (better not, wouldn’t be prudent.)

Or, I want to pack a suitcase for each of us, load up the dogs and cats into #4’s 20 year old 4-Runner, and drive away. Just leave it all for someone else to fool with. I can’t, though. There’s too much. A house, properties, assets, all stuff that will eventually contribute to our well being.  Right  now, they are a concrete weight chained around my shoulders. I am used to having Himself help carry it. I guess it’s time to grow some muscles.

I have always wondered how single parents do it, juggling work and home, family and self. I guess now I will find out, eh.

As I am going through health insurance decisions and investment options and when and what and how, I keep catching myself saying “I need to call Himself and get his input” or “Oh, let me call Himself on this first” even five minutes after telling the banker why I was there. Old habits and all. That will have to change.

This evening, #4 was helping me clean up the kitchen and we were discussing him returning to school tomorrow. He said “I wish I could just go to bed, and wake up tomorrow with everything back the way it’s supposed to be.”  Yeah, bud, me too.

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About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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8 Responses to Dead weight

  1. Beth says:

    I’m in you corner, Peggy. You can bounce anything off me – but my decisions will ultimately come down to listening to you figure it out. My mom and I just de cluttered and rearranged her living room and she’s so happy with it! But she just said “I can’t wait to show your father.” Then she just smiled and realized the truth. But I am a good sounding board and know everything so together we should be a power house of decisions!

    • rootietoot says:

      Ok, Beth, you offered, beware! #4 will be at his uncle’s most of the summer (farm work) which means I will be here by myself, and that means you will likely have someone making sure your pool is properly used.

  2. Judy says:

    Actually all the “busy work” helps–keeps you going and thinking of something else until you are so exhausted you fall into bed. You can grieve in a couple of months, by then the grief won’t be so disabling. I think all the stuff that comes right after, is on purpose, to protect our minds from ourselves. #4 needs to get back in school and get his mind involved in something where he isn’t thinking of Dad every second.

  3. Have the T-shirt says:

    As a single Mom I did OK with decision making most of the time, but every once in a while I LONGED for sometime to just make a freakin’ decision for me!!

    This is all so new to you and I agree with Judy, while you yearn to have time to just mourn, it’s probably best that you have so much occupying your mind and time right now.

  4. Barbara says:

    No One to share the job with is definitely the hard part. There are some books on singleness that I just want to toss across the room with their assumptions of general ease and free time. They have no idea. NO idea. Like Gilda Radner’s character Roseanne Roseannadanna said, it’s always something. But you will figure it out and it is do-able with the church and her Bridegroom. Just one day at a a time. Looking too far ahead at a time through today’s eyes can get really depressing. We don’t know about that anyway. All we got is today. So today’s plate is what I deal with and ask for strength and ability to meet. Daily bread. Just daily bread.

    • rootietoot says:

      I am learning that. I have gone all Scarlett O’Hara a couple of times and said “I’ll think about it tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day.” Then I remember the Israelites wandering around and God gave them enough manna for one day.

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