#4 woke up this morning, saying he had nightmares about one of his brothers dying right after Himself. I know that feeling, I had similar ones a week or so ago. They are very disconcerting and when your psyche is already raw, really throw you for an emotional loop. Thus, more staying home from school today. We sat on the couch together, for about an hour, and just held each other and cried. I am so thankful he is feeling it now.
Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? As a Mom I want my kids to be happy. As a Christian I want them to be holy. God never promises an easy life. Joel Osteen can go suck it, as far as I’m concerned, with all his promises of success and fairy tales if Only You Beleeeeve. What God promises is to be there, to walk beside us and sustain us through anything, including the death of a spouse or a father. And He has. The support I have felt, God given, through people around us…it’s very real, as real as the air we breathe, and the food they keep bringing to us. (how we have appreciated that food!). The comfort I have felt, mentally, the way Scripture (which I have NEVER been good at remembering) has just come to to me, seemingly out of nowhere, all of this has happened too often to be coincidence. It had to be orchestrated, and not by a human.
The pain I see my sons enduring, I would take it all on myself to spare them from that. Isn’t that what The Gospel is all about? How much more does God give us, than we want to give our own children? Christ Jesus took all the pain of sin and eternal death on Himself (Jesus Himself, not my husband Himself) so we wouldn’t have to suffer it. Because He wanted to, just as I want to take the pain my children are suffering onto myself. And he did it for every person that has ever lived, lives now, and will ever live, not just the 5 of us. What a gift, eh.
So, today, #4 stays home again. We are going to grieve together, cry, talk about Himself and God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We are going to hold each other and fix tea for each other and think about the future (even though we can only guess what it holds). We are going to talk about how much this hurts but how it isn’t so bad we are going to perish from it, and how God is training us through this. For what, I don’t really know, but He always uses adversity to His glory and our ultimate good. That makes it feel worthwhile. No pain, no gain, to borrow from an aerobics instructor or every cross-fit trainer that exists. It hurts, and I want to throw up sometimes, but it’s working.
Today, when I am not crying with #4 or soothing myself with hot tea and junk food, I will be seeing the insurance agent about health coverage, and seeing a banker about a retirement account and investment opportunities. Because even though Himself bugged out precipitously and left me slack-jawed in shock, he did leave us provided for. He was smart like that.