A couple of days ago, a friend said “why NOT wear black?” and so I am. Ok, so Stylish New Yorkers have appropriated black, thus people will not think “O! Widow!” when I walk into the room, but today, I refuse to put on a happy face and make out like O It’s No Big Deal because it’s a HUGE deal.
I am going to Himself’s place of employment, with his death certificate (isn’t it interesting how there’s official documents for both the beginning and the end of life. They kind of look alike as well.) so I can get his personal effect from his office, and deal with the company life insurance and paperwork. I will also make my views clear on the health insurance policy as well. I know the local HR guy isn’t the one who makes that decision, but he will know my views, and that i intend to take it up the corporate food chain. Not for my sake, it’s too late for that, but for the sake of future widows, who aren’t in the same fortunate position I am. I think it is a ridiculous policy, and adds shit on their heads right at the time they are already eyeball deep in it. Pardon the language but that’s how I feel about it.
#4 is staying home from school again today. He is having stomach trouble, and since we can get his schoolwork on the way to the plant, that will be done. I refuse to push him into a regimentation yet. He misses his father profoundly and his grief is just as important to deal with as mine. The school is, thankfully, allowing him the leeway. He is, thankfully, keeping up with his work. Good kid.
Right now, I want to shout at all the official people, the creditors and the insurance agents (not you, Wade….)and ones who refuse to bend a little “SCREW YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RIDE ON” because my world has been turned upside down and you don’t BEND. Oh I hear about grace periods for a month and all and for that I am grateful, but Himself had nearly everything on automatic payment and I can’t get into his computer to stop them! No, I am not helpless, it will just take a minute to figure this out and I am too busy pulling all the black clothes out for now.
I am angry with Himself as well, for not leaving a will so there is so much mess to have to handle. Maybe this will allow me to help someone else in the future who’s in a similar position, but really. Right now I don’t want to be on a learning curve. I want to sit down and mourn and take the TIME to really think all this through, but because of time limits and fear, I don’t have that luxury. Darn your hide, Himself…thank you VERY MUCH. I know he would hate that he put me here, but he is too busy talking shop with Jesus and singing in tune to worry about me. That’s ok. I am smart and strong and I can do this. I’ll save the mourning for after everything is done and the dust settles. But when that day comes, watch out. It probably won’t be pretty.
What I want, what I really really want, is Normalcy. I want to return to cooking the meals at 4 and Himself coming in at 5:30 and soccer practices and confidence for the future and burying my head in the sand about life and just clucking along like the mindless little hen I was a month ago before this happened, planning a Christmas trip and what I was going to do this Summer and thinking about a new grandbaby.
World peace would be nice, too, and fat free french fries that taste good, while we’re at it.
I guess I am spooled up because my head is worried about this visit to the company HR. The insurance thing (lack thereof and not being told that) has me worried about what New and Improved Fresh Hell they’re going to deliver. I am not optimistic. That horrified Himself, who was the ultimate optimist. He called it pessimism and lack of faith. I call it pragmatism and common sense. It’s better to expect the worst and be prepared for it, in my opinion. That way if it doesn’t happen, you’re pleasantly surprised.
However, even expecting the worst, putting on my armor and sharpening the blade of my tongue, I know it’s temporary. I know God has this and it will all work out fine, even if my definition of fine isn’t the same as God’s He has the final say in everything anyway.
Dear Lord, make me a good witness for You today. Keep me from saying anything I will regret later on. Thank you.