I think it’s called the peace that passes all understanding….or maybe that’s something else. I don’t know. I do know that in the midst of the fear, anguish, and heartache is a confidence that it will all be ok. Maybe not right now this minute, but eventually. I miss him, especially in the mornings, when we shared coffee and our plans for the day, when I made breakfast and gave him a kiss goodbye…and in the evenings, when we griped (I accidentally typed groped, and giggled…nope, that’s none of your business) about stuff that happened, or discussed plans for the future. Those have all changed now. Or will.
I have made some plans, not difficult to do because I ALWAYS have a Plan B. I am shifting to Plan B, and I don’t like it but I am glad it was there because it has made decisions easier.
It has also made it possible to feel the peace.
This morning, #4 and I discussed what Himself is doing in Heaven. “Discussing woodworking techniques with Jesus.” he opined. I agreed. He was never happier than when making sawdust. Probably learning to play the guitar, too. And singing. He never could carry a tune, not to save his life, and always wanted to be able to play and instrument and sing. He didn’t have any rhythm, either. Now he does! Maybe he is singing and playing next to Grandmother, who went deaf at age 3, and gets to sing and hear the music now. How exciting for them!
One day, which could be soon or could be many years from now, I’ll get to hear him sing and play, how wonderful!
I miss him so much….
But, I am at peace with it, for now. I haven’t done anything with his stuff and probably won’t for a good while. There’s no rush. I’m not ready to do that yet. Some day, some Very Large Person will come across some really nice clothes at Goodwill and be excited to find them.
Sad, lonely at times, anxious once in a while, but at peace.