maybe I’ll be ok after all.

Yesterday sucked. I was tense, deeply unhappy, and exhausted. Each of those things is bad enough but put them together and it’s…misery. It was a bad, bad day. Anxiety about the near future compounded it all. I am sure there’s some math formula in there that expresses it logically but new widows and logic are mutually exclusive.

Last night, at 6:30, I announced that I was going to bed, and don’t you know, there wasn’t anyone to tell me it was too early. Not that Himself was unreasonable about such things, but under most circumstances that is a bit early. However, there was no one to discuss it with, it was my decision to make and mine alone. It is slowly occuring to me that many decisions now are mine to make.Where to live is no longer based on his job. I can go where I want to go. The type of house, mine to decide. How I want to cut my hair…ok, generally was my choice but he always asked that it not be shorter than his. I can shave my head now if I want to.  No, I don’t really want to but knowing I could is kind of liberating. In a sad sort of way.

Everything I think and do is wrapped in a blanket of sadness. But it’s ok. I am sad because Himself is not here any more. He’s off doing better things now and one day I’ll see him again. There is joy in that. It is a profound, indescribable sense of joy, for him because he is THERE and life here was pretty frustrating for him. No more frustrations for him, just great fun and good times! I am so happy for him! But sad for me and the boys because he isn’t here with us. You know that, I have only said it 100 times over the past week

But wow…making my own decisions. That’s kind of…cool, in a way. Kind of scary, as well, but cool. Do I want to go to the local technical school and get a few certificates so I can get a job? I’d be a good secretary/administrative person, and there’s always openings for those. I like working with old people, maybe a CNA or LPN and work at a local nursing home or assisted living place. There is a new one opening up in December. Decisions decisions. Himself would be good with it, not that it matters much, but he would. #4 starts driving in April, so he won’t need me to get around. A job might be the thing. Or, I could work on building my sewing into a business. Right now I just do what I want, when I want, mostly for barter…eggs, etc.

Is there something wrong that I am not in full-on grief mode? Am I supposed to sit down and wail for 40 days? I have never been a person to dwell on things, it’s more easier (ha…) to get up and do something about it all. I despise waiting. Don’t get me wrong, there is a veil of sadness over all of this, but making plans is something that makes me very happy. Himself knew that and was always asking me to plan a trip 18 months in the future, or figure out something, or find plans for this house and some land somewhere and figure it all out. Being able to do that has been helpful. Recovery? that’s a process and will take a while, but there is no reason that I can find why I shouldn’t be making plans for *my* future.

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About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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3 Responses to maybe I’ll be ok after all.

  1. Have the T-shirt says:

    I think (not that I know a darned thing about any of this) that it’s important for you to go forward as Terry would want you to go forward. Because he loved you so much, he would want you to find peace and joy. He would want you to be looking to the future and making decisions that bring you happiness. He would want the same for his boys.

  2. Barbara says:

    Goodness knows we need good CNAs and LPNs. If I could afford to I’d dump my RN license and do exactly that, right at the bedside. Or I say I would. As it is I just applied for a DON spot at our local nursing home the other day. I’ll be 47 next Friday and through all this I have realized over the past week how much my health has deteriorated over the past year under heavy job stress and the way my job is going if something doesn’t change, I’ll be dead within a few years myself. So, hopeful things. Many prayers. Things hit home. Now you get to try your hand at things. See what fits. Take care of the living until our respective turns come. Continuing to pray for you. Thank you for your witness in the thick of it all.

  3. Jeannie says:

    Peggy just because you are thinking about the future doesn’t mean that you miss or love Terry less. There are day to day things that we have to do even in the midst of our grief, in other words life does go on. With that being said, when the tears come–give into them, it is okay. Then carry on with whatever you were doing. There will be so many things that trigger the tears but there will also be as many, if not more, that will trigger the good memories and laughter. It is only a day by day process. One step at a time, one day at a time.

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