Right now Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing is on the radio. I know….I KNOW…that one day this will be able to look like a growing thing. I will learn and be better for it. I have to know that, because the alternative is despair. It would be so easy to go there right now, especially knowing that this is all just starting. It would be by easy to decide God isn’t in this anywhere and just give up. That isn’t happening. The devil is in that thinking and I won’t give it the satisfaction of defeating me.

But right now, at 9:15pm, 7 days and 6 hours after Himself’s body quit entirely, right now it is incredibly hard to see God anywhere in this. I haven’t lost faith, or given up, I am just really, really achingly lonely for my husband. I don’t want him in Heaven, I want him here, next to me, holding my hand or scratching my back or letting me scratch his.

how can anyone understand that, unless they’ve been through it? I know I never did.


About rootietoot

I do what I can.
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3 Responses to

  1. It’s just about the loneliest feeling in the world. My situation did not compare to yours, but I found the absence, the gone-ness intolerable. He was just gone, forever. I had a severe breakdown at about 3 weeks after, then a few months later, then one more after that. There are still certain songs and odors and sounds that take me right back to that place, and it’s been 26 years and another life ago. Though now it’s like a distant echo, and a cold chill, rather than full blown horror.

    I am glad you are blogging this out. I had no outlet back then, and just took it all out on Daniel when I remarried.

  2. Judy says:

    I thought I was being competent and smart when I sold Fred’s car two weeks after. Unfortunately, someone in the park where I lived bought it. I say unfortunately because every other day or so, I’d see him driving it and I’d forget and my heart would jump a bit because I thought it was Fred.

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