There’s this thing that comes in my Facebook feed called Hometalkers or Hometalking or something like that. It’s intention, supposedly, is to give you inspiration for renovations and decorating ideas (like painting chevrons on everything…I am over chevrons, can we move to another, less annoying decorating cliche’, please?)(Himself informs me that it is crass and condescending to say things like that, what if someone reads this and LIKES chevrons? I might be offending them or hurting their feelings or something. So, sorry about that, sort of, if your feelings are hurt.) Anyway, I think Hometalker’s real intention is to make you feel bad about your house, or the sad wreath on your front porch, or the pathetic lack of chevrons in your decorating scheme. Every day there is a blurb on 24 OF THE MOST JAWDROPPING KITCHENS EVER!!1!!!!1. I think I am supposed to feel inadequate, or that Himself isn’t properly providing for me because I don’t have an island the size of Australia in the middle of my kitchen which is as big as the Pacific ocean.
I don’t want a kitchen that requires a Segway to get around in. In fact, the kitchen I have is perfect. It holds what needs to be held, and nothing is more than 3 steps away from anything else. Of course it means that more than 2 people at a time cannot function in there, and even with just 2, territories must be established with firm boundaries and laws. I know I am a bit dictatorial about the kitchen (I can hear Himself, “a BIT, you say?” but someone has to lay down the law in there because it’s not very big and if everyone wandered in and out without any laws there would be chaos.
It’s also easy to clean. Small is good. If a huge meal for 20 people (and it can be done, and has been, every Thanksgiving for the past umptee years) is being made, there is a lovely grill outside that can keep stuff warm, and a big table as well, and a spare fridge downstairs. Who needs a Subzero you can park a car in? Not me. More space is just more room to make a mess. Smaller is better, to a point.
Hometalker does the same thing with bathrooms. JAWDROPPIN!!!!! I say! Walk in showers for 2 with those side spray things and bathtubs that could double as a cattle trough or a fishpond if you squint…more to keep clean, it is. Yes. I would surely love a bathtub big enough to submerge more than half my body in at a time. It would surely get used on a regular basis, as there isn’t much that is nicer on achy bones that a hot tub of water, but those things need cleaning as well. And, too much floor space means more room to drop towels and shoes and clothes and for hair to gather. No, as long as the basics of sink, counter (enough for all my potions and Himself to have a couple of inches), potty, and a shower/tub combo (efficient use of space, you know), nothing else is needed. The bathrooms (we have 2 of them!! How luxurious is that?! #4 gets his own place to drop towels and clothes and I only yell on Mondays, when the cleaners come! AND I have cleaners that come once a week! Because even a tiny bathroom is more than…anyway….it is indeed the height of luxury to have someone else deal with it)(and don’t for a minute think I ever take THAT for granted.)
I WANT A CHANDELIER IN MY BATHROOM.
So, I think the purpose of Hometalker is to make me feel like Himself isn’t doing enough, or that somehow this 45 year old house with it’s small kitchen and bathroom, and it’s somehow not-as-interesting walls and doors (rectangles, they are, ordinary doors that are ordinary rectangles) is disatisfactory…only….
it’s not. It’s a wonderful house with plenty of windows and sturdy strong walls and a roof that keeps us dry. It is full of the echoes of #4 growing up, wearing boxes on his head and playing “smack the belly” in the (apparently inadequate) bathtub. #’s 1,2,and 3 were teens here, learning to drive, sneaking in too late, commiserating over girlfriends. The table, scratched and worn, has had so many meals, all of us sitting around it and laughing, telling stories. This house has good walls with many memories in the short 9 years we have lived here. I don’t want one of those huge houses with everyone in their own room doing their own thing. It’s nice having all of us together, arguing over who gets the remote, and where to put the Christmas tree.
I like these cheap curtains bought from a catalog that I can throw in the washing machine, and the utter lack of rugs
for the dogs to pee on and the scuffed up dining chairs that (purchased for $1 a piece from a Fraternity house that was moving) I don’t have to worry about if Someone’s Dog (who shall remain unnamed except he is our 3rd child…the Someone, not the dog) gnaws on a leg. Maybe one day we’ll have Fine Stuff…maybe. probably not. I want the Grandkids to be able to gnaw on the furniture without fear of repercussions beyond an admonition to be careful about splinters.
So…Hometalker…you have some interesting ideas occasionally but I think you’re fixing to be Unliked (Disliked? Unfriended? Defriended? Verbs these days. Bah.)