I know this is going to sound ungrateful, even though I am actually incredibly thankful and grateful for the help we’ve gotten recently. But…accepting help is difficult. Painful, even. Intellectually I recognize that it’s necessary. Spiritually, I know that allowing others to help blesses them as much as it does me. Emotionally…notsomuch. I resent the fragility of this body, that has endured hit after hit with the flu, that it has been reduced to a state where pneumonia is allowed to knock it flat on it’s back and render it unable to do the JOB. You know, THE JOB. That stuff I signed on for 27 years ago. The cooking and cleaning and dealing with the kids and being a wife and companion to Terry. Oh I know, “In sickness and in health” and if this were Terry who was sick I’d be right there with the food he wants and the tending to and all of that without a second thought. But it’s NOT Terry. It’s me who’s sick and while I don’t mind playing the invalid for a couple of days (long enough to get caught up on all the stuff on the DVR), this dragging out for 2 months and who knows how much longer is…Not Cool.
This morning I actually got teary about it for a while. It will probably happen again, in the privacy of home with no one around to see it. Self pity is unbecoming. I am not sure that’s what this is. It feels more like frustration, really. There’s a fine and blurry line between the two, though, and I am squishing along it. It was at about 6 weeks into recovering from the hip surgery that I started yelling and throwing things. I’m at 7 weeks here, and the only reason I’m not yelling and throwing things it that those would trigger an uncontrollable fit of coughing.
Yesterday I had a conversation with our pastor’s wife. I told her how awkward it felt to accept help from people (the church is bringing us meals) and she fussed at me for having that attitude. “Gratitude is Biblical.” she said. “Now accept the help with gratitude.” Yes ma’am. “You’ll have your chance to reciprocate.” she said. And that’s true. So, I am trying.
There are a couple of cleaners showing up in about an hour, to do the floors and bathrooms. A couple of friends are bringing meals by for the weekend. #4 is getting a ride home from school. 4 or 5 years ago, before we were members of this small and very close knit church family (and this church is the first one I’ve ever called that), none of that would have happened. So yes, I am grateful. Still frustrated with being sick because 7 weeks of illness is RIDICULOUS, but grateful for people who care enough to help out, and that is making me all teary again. Maybe for a different reason this time.