I remember this time last year, early New Year’s Day, and the relief I felt at seeing the backside of 2011. I hated that year. Oh sure, I wrote cheerful stuff, because that’s what I do, but 2011 was ROUGH and I breathed a deep sigh of relief to see it gone.
2012 was much better, thank you, with significantly less event-caused anxiety. Plenty of anxiety, to be sure, all you have to do is roll through the year’s posts to see that, but it was physiologically induced, rather than outside-influence based. That is much easier to deal with because all that was required to fix it was a prolonged whine to The Good Dr. H and subsequent prescribing of lovely, lovely Wellbutrin. None of this “Oh I like to handle problems on my own. Taking pills is for weak people who can’t deal with life in a real way.” Been there, done that, and why the hell should I when I don’t have to? Also? People like that either don’t really grasp the depth and enormity of what fracked-up brain chemicals can do to one’s perceptions, or they burn up and their psyche turns to ash, which isn’t good for anything except making lye. Which is caustic. Psychological lye…oo I could go somewhere with that analogy!
2012..well, Once I get permission from Terry (who is still asleep at this 7am, he must have slept poorly last night), I’ll let you know what all the work stuff about which I cautiously aluded. (What a horribly constructed sentence…)
The year saw #1 moving in, and moving back out. #2 threw himself back into school, and succeeded. He’s almost where he will get his scholarship back. This upcoming semester will tell. It saw #3 growing in ways I never expected, but knew he was capable of. And #4 getting into sports, which was also not expected, but had delightful results.
My sewing business took off, due to a couple of friends who told their friends. Also the beginnings of work with a real designer who hired a friend and me as seamstresses. No, I can’t support my family with the earnings, but I was able to seriously improve the contents of my closet, and have some genuine self-earned confidence.
My relationship with Terry has grown, which was much needed and quite wonderful. I love the man, and wasn’t very good at showing it. I learned how to show it, and that was very good.
My relationship with God has grown. I have learned to recognize His will, and accept it as good, and to recognize His handiwork in the lives of my family. Seeing that has made it possible to let go of the control I wanted to have over the lives of the boys, and allow Him to do His work without me getting in the way. And that led to less frustration for everyone. I still want to control, but being able to take a deep breath and remind myself that God knows what He’s doing means I can give the reins back to Him and go about doing what He has set out for me to do.
I was able to get a particular person out of my head, someone who was in there, finding and feeding my insecurities, that I was allowing to control how I felt about my life and work as a housewife and mother. Thanks to the simple help of a couple of God-given friends that criticism was negated and I was able to see that person for who and what she was, get angry, then get over it.
I have no idea what 2013 will hold. The possibilities are myriad. I don’t really even have any expectations, like I typically do. Sure, there are some things I would LIKE to do. Make another dress (or two) for the designer, figure out if I want to move the vegetable garden into the rose garden and make the current vegetable garden into a shade/herb garden, get the guest bedroom painted and decorated and pretty. Learn how to make blue jeans, now that I have a sewing machine capable of that sort of heavy duty thing…
But the rest of it? Terry’s work, the kids, anything involving other people…who knows? I guess my real resolution for the year is to take it as it comes, and quit trying to orchestrate it all.
So, to all y’all (all 12 of you!) who read this, Happy New Year, and may this year see enough contentment to make you grateful, and enough Interesting Stuff to keep you alert.