I’ve been getting up early a lot lately. Like 4:30-I-should-be-an-Amish-dairy-farmer early. Right now, it’s 5:30am and I’ve been up for an hour. It’s ok tho. That 1:30 minutes of time completely alone in the quiet is kind of…addictive, really. There’s no phone calls or machinery running or any sort of ambient noise from cars outside. I don’t even hear the neighbor’s pool pump grinding away.
I am not really sure how all this started…ok I take that back. It started with anxiety, back in April. Everything was piling on my head- from uncertainty with Terry’s job to uncertainty with a couple of the kids to…I don’t know…general lack of being able to control things going on. Control is important. Also, likely perimenopause, as there were other symptoms pointing in that direction. I am ok with perimenopause, it’s the natural course of things, and it’s also a handle on the anxiety, even though the knowledge did nothing to reduce it. It was something that could be taken to the doctor and whined about.
Bless him, The Good Dr. H. listened. He put me on a gentle antidepressant, one I had used before, and said “Give it a few weeks, we’ll see how it goes.” A few weeks later, the anxiety was reduced some, but not enough for comfort, and he gave me a little bit more.
Ahhh…that’s better. Anxiety still happens, but it seems to be a normal sort, rather than the gut wrenching middle-of-the-night sort. However, I’ve become accustomed to 4:30am,and the 90 minutes of peace and quiet
Prayer flows freely at dark:30. The knowledge that there will be no interruptions helps.
Also, by the time everyone else is stirring, I am awake enough to be cheerful and productive, thus a good breakfast can be produced and I can talk without mumbling or grunting.
The day is planned, lists made, Facebook read, so as soon as everyone is out the door (Today is Friday, which means Terry will take #4 to breakfast and to school. It’s their Time Together), I can get cracking on the list, and have practically 2 extra hours in the day!
28 years ago, back when I was rolling out of bed at the crack of noon and probably just getting in at 4:30, back when 8:00pm meant I was just getting cranked up for the evening, rather than closing it all down and heading for bed, if you had told me I’d be like I am now, I would have said “NEVER!” and made a sarcastic comment about old people. But that’s ok. It’s what 20 year olds do. I don’t think less of the people (like my children) for being up late and all that. I was there, and just because I am not there now doesn’t mean I think they’re wrong. It’s the natural course of things.
I sure do enjoy it now, tho. The quiet, the hot coffee and cat in my lap…ok no, the hot coffee is not currently in my lap, it’s in a cup. I have grammarian friends who would point that out. Do I put a comma in there? The quiet, the hot coffee, and cat in my lap? I don’t know. I remember being told that if there’s an “and” you don’t need the comma, but…anyway.
The thing with the anxiety, it’s that middle of the night sort. When the lights are out and the mind is loose and flowing from dreams and such, the anxieties become so unmanageable. They’re monsters. For some reason, lights and being upright and a cat in my lap reduces them to something that can be pushed aside, or even analysed and eliminated. The fear that Terry would lose his job is turned into “Do you really think they’d let someone go who’s done all he has done?” I wish I could tell you now what has been happening, but it needs to wait until the first of the year. Not long.
Then I start in on the boys and worrying about their safety, etc. CJ is a volunteer fireman now, and I start in with “he’s crispy and dead” but in the light and aroma of coffee, I remember that Dad is part of the same force (a board member, not a firefighter) and he would have called if there were something wrong. In the light, I remember that Will is 25 and capable. David is doing well in school and also working. None of them are incompetent babies crawling across a 6 lane freeway during rush hour, tho sometimes life seems like that, especially when children are involved,and especially at 4 in the morning.
But now, I guess either I’m getting over it, or the medication is working, or maybe a little of both. Dark:30 is still the time to get up, but now it’s because I want to, not because if I don’t the monsters will eat me.