So, there are a couple of anxiety-inducing events upcoming. One involves immediate family and will remain unsaid, but trust me when I say it causes anxiety. The other is my grandmother. She’s 100 (as of August) and slowly fading away due to congestive heart failure. I have a ticket to fly out there next weekend. I am pretty sure it will be the last time I see her, and I want to let her know she isn’t forgotten, and that I love her. This is also an anxiety causing event on several levels.
First, driving to Atlanta to get on the plane is a 3 hour trip. I’ve done it before and I kind of like the drive. However, leaving everyone here, where I cannot be in COMPLETE control of everything makes me nervous a little. Yes, I am a control freak. If I can’t keep my eyes on it, or have it within reach, I am pretty sure there might be a horrible disaster.
Then, I am flying into an unfamiliar airport. Typically I fly from Savannah to Houston, then to Amarillo. The Savannah airport is small and logical. Houston is big, but the Continental flights use the same terminal, so getting from one gate to the next is easy. Amarillo is as small as Savannah, and very familiar, since I was stuck there 2 days once due to snow and ice. However, for some reason this time the flight out of Savannah was $950, while the one from Atlanta was $305. For $645 I will definitely make the drive. The flight I have goes to Denver, and according to the website with the layout of the Denver airport, it looks easy enough. I will be getting to Amarillo quite late, and will see Grandmother the next day.
So, there is anxiety about that trip. Will she live long enough for me to see her? Possibly, but not definitely. I hope so, tho.
I just don’t like being out of control of things, and when other people are added to the mix, whether it’s children, parents, or grandparents, a certain degree of control is lost. I have to come to terms with that, and it is getting better.
If I can remember that in the grand scheme of things, it’s all going pretty well. Grandmother’s passing on will not be a disaster or a horrible surprise. As she’s been saying for several years now, “I am tired and ready to go whenever God wants me.”
The situation with immediate family, while anxiety inducing, is not the end of the world either. It is, in fact, expected…but that doesn’t make it easier. And no, I am not giving details because I do not have the permission of those involved. If I can remember that it’s going to be ok in the end, then I will be ok in the end as well. That’s not the easiest thing to remember, tho, when you’re in the midst of it.
This is where the “maybe it’s all finally coming together” comes in. Maybe finally I have a handle on this rampant anxiety. Maybe whatever it is, whether it’s the new medication or mental maturity or who knows WHAT…maybe it’s finally working and I can live like a normal person instead of one eaten from the inside out by philosophical parasites.