What I want, what I want, what I really really want

  • A way to lose 50 pounds without a diet or surgery or disease.  I’d make a zillion$ if I could come up with that. Or exercise. Ye gods I am lazy.
  • For ALL of my children to have a Plan.  A real one, that looks like they have A Plan For The Future. You have no idea how anxious it makes me…
  • A lemon scented candle that actually smells like lemons, and not like lemon scented something. I have a Yankee Candle Meyer Lemon one, and if you actually sniff the candle, it smells yummy, but burning, it’s not that great.
  • To not wake up with a knot of anxiety in my stomach, or to have that knot at 2pm,or 5pm, or 8pm. I do not like having to rely on a chemical (tranquilizers or booze) to get rid of it, so most of the time I just live with the anxiety and gripe about it.
  • For grass in my yard that won’t grow. Centipede grass is lovely when it’s kept cut, but yikes-a-roni…with our every-evening rains, it gets thick and tall and if the grass isn’t cut twice a week, it looks like a flippen’ jungle out there. And it’s never cut twice a week. Ever. Our neighbors give us the stink-eye because this is supposed to be a Nice Neighborhood and our yard looks like it might have a car on blocks in all that tall, tall grass.
  • You know, I am not even sure I would know what Normal Work for Terry would look like at this point. I keep saying I wish his work would normalize, but every time it looks like it might, some new crisis rears it’s ugly head and there he goes again.  I am just glad he’s employed, and I’ll keep it at that.
  • Diet fried chicken. Don’t talk to me about oven fried chicken made with cornflakes or instant mashed potatoes. Those have their place, yes, but you know what I am saying.

This anxiety has been going on for several weeks now.  It’s a low level, we’ll call it about a 3 in a scale of 1-10, with blips of 5-6, particularly in the evening. I have an appointment with The Good Dr. H in September, so I’ll discuss with him then.  It’s not HORRIBLE, like the break-out-in-a-rash type (yes,I do this when stress is high enough), it’s more like one of those low level headaches where you can’t quite decide if you want to bother walking upstairs to get an aspirin. I can’t tell if it’s environmental (unlikely, since all the normal stress-causers are not around), or chemical-in-the-brain (which would be annoying as hell because frankly I am a little tired of the chemical-in-the-brain issues).  At this point, my brain is looking for reasons to be anxious (to justify the anxiety) instead of it being obvious (like a kid in the hospital, or Terry’s job changing, or something) which tells me it’s likely chemical. Ugh. How annoying.

I remember, a long time ago, being anxious about nothing.  Day to day, the work would get done, dinner would be on the table at 6, even a kid would break a bone and I’d deal with it calmly and rationally without any hand-flapping or grinding of teeth.  It’s how it was done.  Now, the cat catches the flu and I am having sleepless nights and snappishness and stomach knots. THIS SUCKS. Then, I could sit down with a huge piece of expensive Irish handkerchief linen and a piece of chalk, and have the confidence to draw out a pattern and sew together a one-of-a-kind dress for a client. Now, I can’t even make a pair of shorts for a 3 year old without being nervous that they won’t turn out right…they always do, but not without a butt-load of second guessing and worrying.  What on earth is happening to me?  Where has my confidence gone?

I am trying to get it back. Sewing is helping. It is something that I can do very, very well. I hope that accomplishing something, having people say “wow…you made that?” will help.


About rootietoot

I do what I can.
This entry was posted in *whinge*, bits and pieces, Dewicate feewings, Disease and infirmity, Dream a little dream, Sometimes she thinks too much and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to What I want, what I want, what I really really want

  1. Bella Rum says:

    First of all, can I say how much I love that finding a way to lose 50 pounds is first on your list – above your children getting a life plan. 🙂 I know it isn’t necessarily your true order of priorities but I would be okay with it.

    I experience that anxiety thing in the middle of the night, too. I hate it. Mine didn’t start till about six years ago during a highly stressful period and it never went away.

    Diet fried chicken that taste like the real thing… now that’s a winner.

    • rootietoot says:

      It’s not necessarily prioritized, but it was the first thing that came to mind. Middle of the night anxiety is THE WORST. Something about dark:30 makes the monsters come out. I try to tell myself “there isn’t anything you can do about it right now” but that doesn’t help much.

  2. Nichole says:

    I hope your anxiety chills out, too. I would also like to lose 50 pounds, and I would like my 16-year-old brother to come up with A Plan.

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