Not My New Year’s Resolutions:
Lose 50 pounds
Exercise Every Day
Eat more vegetables
Eat less potato chips
Be kinder to my family
Be kinder to strangers
Blah blah de flamin’ blah.
Who does that, anyway, I mean, ok so maybe that first week, they skip the fries and eat an apple at lunch, then the gradual slide back into old habits…first it’s getting the chunk of bread at Panera instead of the apple. Then it’s the last handful of Chex mix (really, it’s left over from Christmas, don’t want to let it go to waste!) at 2pm (since lunch was
creamy broccoli soup, and everyone knows soup is good for you)and before you know it, you’re going “oh to heck with it. I want a large fries, please.”
Then there’s the exercise. I should. I know. I’m seeing a physical therapist now because I sit on my arse too much and they have me doing stuff to strengthen those internal “core” muscles (how come I never heard of “core” muscles before? He told me that “we”…don’t you love how they say that, as if he’s right there next to me yanking on a stiff rubber cord when in reality,he’s sitting in a chair making notes and sipping a latte…where was I?) oh yeah, core muscles. “it’s not the pretty ab muscles everyone likes to look at” he said to me. “It’s the internal ones no one ever pays attention to. That’s what we’re (WE again…*sips latte*) concentrating on”. Well ok. Maybe I’ll actually do some exercising. I intended to walk the track in the mornings after dropping #4 at school, it’s right across the street, but every time I meant to, it would rain, or be cold, or my walking shoes had a cat poo in them, or the tracksuit was dirty or feeling a little tight that morning thanks to the
fries apple I had for dessert last night.
A couple…well ok…SIX years ago…ok (sigh) 7 years ago I belonged to a gym, and would drop #4 at school then go work out for an hour and 1/2 or 2…(really!) and I loved it. No weight was lost. I didn’t find any more either tho, and all the wobbly parts firmed up enough that I was happy wearing a sleeveless shirt. I am going to do that again. BUT NOT BECAUSE IT’S THE NEW YEAR. Let me make that abundantly clear. I am doing it because I am enjoying the stuff the physical therapist prescribes. I will put on my not very trendy hot pink tracksuit (which makes me look like a bottle of Pepto Bismol) and chug away on a treadmill and with weight machines 3-4 times a week, and since it’s being paid for, it will get done. I am Scottish, therefore I *will* get my money’s worth and maybe more.
So. I will likely continue to consider potatoes a vegetable. If they’re fried in peanut or corn oil, that makes it twice the vegetable. Do not correct me on this. I live in the South. Potatoes, peanuts and corn are totally vegetables here.
I probably won’t be much kinder to my family. I love them but if I were to suddenly lose the sarcasm and become sweet and gentle, they’d all assume a brain tumor and I don’t want to inflict that kind of emotional trauma on them. It wouldn’t be very kind.
I am already (sort of) kind to strangers, unless they’re blocking the aisle in the store, or their kids are brats, or I don’t like what they’re wearing, or…who am I kidding. I am not kind to strangers and once again, if I suddenly became that way (insert brain tumor scenario). It’s not that I am some sort of misanthrope, but kindness is not a character quality I possess. I can be generous. I usually like helping people who need it and over the years I have grown some semblance of an ability to empathize, but kindness…that’s like…I don’t know what it’s like, because I don’t have it. No diplomacy either. That’s Terry’s territory.