I had a couple of weeks reprieve, that was nice. Like a little vacation from…something…reality? I don’t know. I just know I went 2 whole weeks without any drama or tension or STUFF. Now it’s back, the feeling that there’s a couple of hooks pulling at the backs of my eyeballs, pulling them into my head. That’s what tension feels like, along with the sensation of not being real sure where my feet are, how far the floor is or where doorframes should be. I get clumsy, start crashing into furniture and getting bruises. It’s a sure sign of my mental state, how many bruises are on the arms and legs.
But I did get a couple of weeks! And that’s been really restful, so I reckon it’s time for Drama to come back, time for some tension and angst and worry.
Worry’s a SIN, I am told. It means I’m not trusting God to handle the situation. I suppose that’s true. I am a control freak. I admit it. I despise uncertainty and surprises. I want to know what’s going to happen and 2 weeks in advance, please. When someone comes along and throws a wrench in the monkey-works, it’s discombobulating and I start crashing into furniture.
I’m supposed to pray, when things get hairy. I’m supposed to pray when they’re not hairy, too. And I have. The past 2 weeks have been full of praises, thanks to God for things going well. Now it’s time to pray for guidance and wisdom (something I am terribly short on), forgiveness (oh yeah…especially that) and peace.
(why did the radio come on spontaneously just now? That’s weird.)
I’m not so special that I don’t get hardships. I’m really not. Life happens, and along with living comes dark times and difficulties, and sometimes those are of our own making.
A couple of years ago I read “The Shack”, it made the rounds of the world, and everyone was singing its praises as a story of redemption…I thought it was tripe. The main character had something awful happen that was outside his control, and abandoned his relationship with God, then found redemption. That’s all very nice and well and good. Redemption is a wonderful thing. What I have YET to see (please correct me if I’m wrong) is a story with a main character who is thoroughly bad, all on his own, and does terrible things because he wants to, not because of some childhood trauma or some tragedy beyond his control, but because he’s willful and selfish and thoroughly bad, and THEN he finds redemption, but still deals with temptation and old habits. Real, unmerited Grace and mercy. The kind that makes you fall down on the floor and weep, because you know completely how undeserving you are.
I know life sometimes sucks, that sometimes things are going to be difficult. I want to be able to roll with it. I’d like to be able to smile sweetly and say God’s will, or “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” and blithely accept everything that happens without argument or fear of consequence or whatever…and I have to assume that when Paul is saying “all things” he isn’t meaning “most things” or “those things that probably look like they might have a real purpose”…but everything, good and bad, the ones that cause that fish hook feeling in the backs of my eyes, the things that I cause with my own willfulness or lack of wisdom …God knew those things were going to happen and somehow He will use them for something grand. I simply don’t know what that will be. I am a thread in a tapestry, and can only see the threads around me, not the whole big picture. I have to hold on to that promise.
But I still feel fish hooks, I still look at my own behavior and wonder what the hell I was thinking, and I still hold to the promise of redemption. I have to. Right now it’s the only thing keeping me from sinking.