What I need is Time Away. Away from the house and all the myriad THINGS yelling at me to be done.
Time away from my own brain, thinking constantly, evaluating and revisiting, gnawing on past issues, mentally regurgitating like a damn cow chewing on her cud the same old same old anxiety inducing STUFF. how come I can’t just LET GO?
One of the things I like about myself (and there isn’t much, so when I find something I like to enjoy it) is that I can, eventually, understand most anything. I may have to think about it for a long time before grasping the concept, but eventually I’ll get there.
That is, however, sometimes onerous. There are times I wish I could just plod along like a beetle in the pine straw, not having to understand things, but simply living, looking for the next thing to eat, not even having enough brain mass to worry about being eaten by a bird, just relying on evolutionary progress to make me hard to see.
Have you ever felt like that, like you wish you didn’t think so much? I wonder how much anxiety we visit upon ourselves because of overthinking things. I know my essentially pessimistic philosophy of “Expect the worst, so when it happens you’re prepared and if it doesn’t, you’re pleasantly surprised” is purely overthinking, and to be honest, so far the worst has *never* happened. Some close friends think that philosophy is awful. Ungodly, even. I’m not trusting God to know what’s best for me, good or bad, when I think like that. And the fact is, no one has ever pulled out a gun and shot me between the eyes, nor am I dying a slow and painful death from a horrible disease (the 2 worst things I can think of), no one near to me has died, and I’ve never been hungry or lived in a cardboard box. Technically there’s no real reason for my pessimism, no past history that says “see, it’s happened before, it will happen again.”
So, I’m wishing i could turn off my mind for a while, go somewhere lovely and huge…like the mountains or the ocean. Huge places, my all time favorite being the Palo Duro Canyon remind me that I am small, that my life with the inflated issues of my mind, are not significant in the grand scheme of things. Huge places remind of of God, the biggest thing there is, implacable and unchangeable, and yet with that, He loves *me*, tiny Peggy, a speck on the backside of the universe, and that is a great comfort. To be reminded that I am nothing much, yet loved completely.
When I spent too much time right here in my own home environment, I forget that, and start thinking that *this* is the world, this half acre of property and house, these 5 people that live here, with Bulloch County and church and grocery stores like rings around Saturn. I need to get away for a while, and remind myself that there’s more out there than this.