Delicate Sensibilities

Apparently Tennessee is trying to make the world safe for everyone by making it illegal to possess images that could be offensive to someone, or cause emotional distress or something. That got me to thinking about things I am offended by, and how to clean them up a bit, so I won’t be offended anymore.

The first thing that came to mind:
A man wearing a speedo. Now, this is a slender and fit man, one that ought to be able to wear most anything and not be considered offensive or ridiculous. However, NO ONE looks good in a speedo. No one. I am not interested in the size or shape of a man’s bits and pieces. He might as well be completely naked. They should all come equipped with a big daisy to cover themselves.

I am also offended by any person who wears too much. y’know, Mennonites, Christian Fundamentalists, those Mormon ladies with their french braids, people who sing in a choir, preachers, priests, doctors in scrubs, mechanics in jumpsuits, the like.

MY EYES MY EYES!

Oh other stuff too! Poptarts! They offend my culinary sensibilities. I mean, yes they’re tasty…I particularly like the strawberry ones when toasted and warm, but anything that has to use small children and words like “delicious” and yet offer no kind of nutritional benefit is offensive and distressing. Frosted Flakes as well. Tony the Tiger frightens me. Or he would, if I were frightened by large cheerful cartoon tigers. Which I’m not, but who knows, one day I might be and you have to take precautions.

scareeeeee

Very large vehicles driven by soccer moms distress me. What if they lose control and run over my small car? how much attention are those women paying to what they’re doing anyway, on their cells phones and all. Soccer moms offend me too. I can’t say why but I feel distress whenever I see one. Helicopter moms, too, with their “My child is an honor student” and organic juice boxes and carrot sticks. Why don’t they just give little MacKenzie a poptart?

Imagine a world with no offensive pictures. Who decides that, anyway? Tipper Gore? The Southern Baptist Convention?
Good grief, I’ll take being offended now and then in order to have something to think about.

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About rootietoot

I do what I can.
This entry was posted in It's called satire. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Delicate Sensibilities

  1. Chuckles says:

    I thought ‘state’s rights’ meant each state gets to decide all sorts of things, and voters can oust anyone who doesn’t truly represent the state. Or they could move to a different state. Aren’t you the one who taught me about state’s rights? I’m confused.

    Signed, the lady in the big vehicle who feeds her kids poptarts almost every week.

    • rootietoot says:

      The very idea that someone else would want to choose what offends me offends me. So do minivans and poptarts but I will let it slide in your case.

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