A couple of weeks a go I had a cold. nothing serious,just the usual sinus-coughy-thingy cold that caused feelings of crud for a few days then went away, but left a cough. it’s happened before. the cold irritates the lung things and causes an asthma like reaction, and even though the actual virus it’self is gone, the lung things are sensitive and a cough begets another cough and before you know it the whole system is irritated and I can’t catchy my breath. “Asthma” the doctor told me. “Inhalers, steroids” he said. Only, thanks to Other Medical Conditions related to my brain and mental status, steroids of any sort are OUT unless it’s a life-or-death situation. The Good Dr. H told me this a few years ago, after I took some steroids for something (I forget what) and they made me flat-out psychotic. Yes, and it wasn’t pretty. It went away as soon as I quit taking them but it was SCARY.
So, most asthma inhalers are steroid based, so I refuse. Yes, breathing is nice,but so is sanity. So, last night I was coughing and coughing and coughing, that dry, wheezy unproductive cough…asthma again. Lovely. The humidifier in the bedroom was ramped up to 75%, a hot shower, cup of hot tea, everything I could think of and it helped slightly, but not much. Rooting around in the medicine cabinet located a bottle of Singulair…joy! Breathing medicine! It had been a good long time, but I seem to remember it helping. 20 minutes after taking one and the coughing stopped. An hour after taking one and the anxiety started. Damnation I hate having a tooky brain. I remembered then why I only took it once last time. Gut wrenching, heart pounding and sweaty palms anxiety, like Grade 5 Stage Fright. All Night Long. And too confused to take a xanax…stupid.
Have you ever noticed that when you are anxious, even when it’s a chemically induced anxiety like that one, suddenly all those small things that you can shrug off during the day will grow and fester and become HUGE MONSTERS UNDER THE BED. Oh I slept, but it was restless and full of dreams about anxious things like how come I couldn’t get the plastic protective layer off the screen of my new white netbook? I don’t have a new white netbook, but in this dream I did, and couldn’t get that plastic thing loose and it was PISSING ME OFF, plus my brother kept yanking it away from me and messing with it and I was inexplicably unable to cuss him out for it and that made me anxious.
Then something about one of the kids would pop into my head and I’d start chewing on that until I’d realize it was kind of a silly thing so I’d repeat over and over until something else took it’s place “YOU CAN’T CHANGE THAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE THAT”
And all that made for a restless night, except that I could breathe without coughing, which was nice.
Stupid tooky brain.
I was still anxious this morning, but at least had the good sense to recognize why, and took a crumb of xanax. Now I’m better, but I really kind of resent having to take something for as basic a function as breathing, then take something to counter a side effect of that, then take something for a side effect of the second med (coffee, for xanax is VERY relaxing and I do need to function) and then something to counter the side effect of the stuff I took to counter the side effect of what I took to counter the side effect of what I took to breathe. Aspirin, that is, for the coffee gives me a little bit of a headache. However, with all that piled on top of itself I can,at least, breathe and function.