I’m tired. The past couple of weeks have been psychologically and spiritually exhausting. I’d rather dig a ditch 12 hours a day than deal with existential stuff, because at least at the end of a ditch-digging day you can drop into the bed and sleep. When you’re dealing with mental stuff, the brain simply will not shut off just because you’re horizontal and the clock says “10:00pm”. Midnight rolls around and I will finally give in and take a tranquilizer, but they’re only good for about 3 hours, so at 3:30 am the brain goes “WAKE UP! We got STUFF to THINK ABOUT!”
The body, however, she needs some rest. The brain says no no no, too much to deal with, gotta get this worked out, NOW chickie!
So I’m going on 2 weeks now, averaging 4 or 5 hours sleep a night, mostly less but a couple of times I actually made it from 10pm until 4am only waking up twice. and I am really, really tired.
The existential garbage is getting dealt with, worked out, handled, and that’s a good thing. I suppose I should feel very privileged that I have the time to deal with such, that I don’t have to concentrate all my energy on ditch digging, and I do, to a degree. I am not unaware that I live a luxurious life, with plenty of food to eat and no worries about the power being cut off or my kids being taken away from me.
I am grateful for that, really I am.
But I am also bone tired. And I don’t really see an opportunity for rest, real rest, anytime soon.