What do you fear? How do you deal with it? I don’t mean the little things- like I fear cockroaches and deal with them with a great deal of hysteria and violence- I mean the big things like mortality and money and social things. Mortality I can handle for now. Barring anything unforeseen my demise is a while off. Terry’s too, hopefully, and also the kids, so it’s not even on the back burner, but on a shelf in the utility room behind the Christmas stuff. Money is kind of always there, on a 2 week cycle with the paychecks. It is not something I worry too hard about, tho, except when something like a deductible on a medical procedure is looming ($1000 on an upcoming thing…ouch!). Mainly I fear social stuff, being around people I don’t kow very well and not sure of how to act. “Oh just be yourself!” I am told, but then “myself” is a socially inept geek with precious little skill in relating. I know the rules- let them talk about themselves and they’ll love you- but then I come away from the experience dissatisfied, because all they did was talk about themselves and now I know their entire life history but they don’t know (or care) a single thing about me, and I am just selfish enough to want them to ask a few questions about *my* life. Which is why I blog..I can say all I want about ME ME ME, and if I want to know anything about YOU I’ll go read your blog…provided you link to it.
Thing is, I was raised that no one was interested in my life. “Don’t talk about yourself,” I was told, “they’re not interested.” and “Talking about yourself is self centered and boring.” Ok fine, I get that. Sometimes tho, I get around a person who asks questions, and acts like they’re interested, then I don’t know when to stop and suddenly when the conversation is over I realize the entire time was all about me and that is EMBARRASSING…”Oh Lord I hogged the whole conversation” or “I don’t know a thing about what they’re dealing with” or something like that. Diarrhea of the mouth, I has it.
So when Terry announces that there’s an upcoming Social Thing and I get to come, I get nervous. What to wear? how to act? how many gin and tonics can I have before I start acting weird? (2, usually, after that the mouth starts to run). What if all the women want to talk about theater or fashion, 2 subjects about which I know NOTHING…what to do? and the next 2 weeks leading up to the event are consumed with worry. Get me in a room with Hea Jun and we can babble on all day about genetic engineering of soybeans and the ethics therein, and be quite happy. Put me in a room with Ms. Yvonne and her latest shopping expedition to Nordstrom and I am silent and clueless. I wish I were more socially ept (you know, the oppostie of inept), but I don’t want to have to swap social eptitude for comprehending bioethics either…oh well. That’s my biggest fear, I think, looking foolish socially. What’s yours?