The nice part of it all is now I have relief. I feel a relief of the burden of responsibility for CJ. Oh sure, I still love him. I’ll still worry about him, I *am* his mother, after all. But, at this point, what he does with his future is up to him. I got him through the past 19 years and now the rest of it is his job. The relief I am feeling is almost making me sick, kind of like (ok…really, Peggy? REALLY??) when you’ve been constipated for a week or a month and suddenly the Mexican food kicks in and in one huge event you are no longer constipated. Makes you dizzy and queasy and weirdly relieved.
He is worried about his future. It’s his to worry about. I’ll help him as I can and when he asks, but will volunteer nothing. His job with the septic tank company is turning out to be something quite the different sort of experience. Not because of the work, but because of the person he’s working for, who uses him to wash her car and mow her lawn and only pays him minimum wage when he does that. She’s trying to get him to move into her garage apartment so she can charge him rent equal to what she pays him…you get the picture. This information comes from Larry, the husband of the woman who’s brother is the husband of the sister who’s husband is the brother of the person who hired CJ…(ok, got that? Small town machinations). Larry is the man who CJ has been bunking with for the last 3 months, a nicer, kinder and more generous man I have never met. Larry has an exceedingly low opinion of the person CJ is working for, and advised CJ to come up with a different plan. CJ has to figure things out on his own, and he is doing that.
We talked, CJ and I, while everyone else was eating dinner. He and I went for a walk and he thinks he’d be better off coming back to Statesboro and getting into school. A week ago he was all gung-ho about being independent for a couple of years, but apparently Hell-Boss has scared him. I’m ok with him coming back and getting in school. He has financial resources for school, and I reminded him of that. I am not wildly thrilled about him being in Statesboro, because I believe it will be difficult for me to let him go (in my head) if I know he’s here. I will, however, get him set up in an apartment or a trailer, etc. Another good thing is that if he’s in school, he will be on our health insurance. That is a load off my mind. However, if he is here in Statesboro he may easily fall back into the same group of reprobates he hung out with in high school. Not thrilled about that.
This biggest part of my whole thing with this, is that relief. The knowledge that what he does with himself is, at this point, up to him. I don’t feel the obligation to push him through.
Now my immediate question is this: Did he live through the weekend? I have no idea. Post graduation celebrations are at the river house, and will probably last all weekend. He disappeared right after the ceremony, we saw him briefly across the way but didn’t find him in order to give him a gift of a wallet with some money in it, oh well. I’ll give it to him in a couple of weeks, when I go up to Madison to bring him back down here. Hopefully he’ll be able to get into the Tech school in July. If not, he’ll find a job and live in a barn or something…maybe he’ll find a couch at a friends, he’s good at that.
I promised myself a 3 day celebration if he made it, and he did. Terry promised to handle the logistics, as he knows the kind of stress the past couple of years had. I also know if I write anything more I am going to start crying. Which makes everyone nervous.