It’s TIIIIIIIIME! Or. The Period Post. You have been warned.

Chelly-Chainsaw-Kage2

I love that image. For a mild mannered, easygoing (*koffkoff*) person such as myself, that image speaks to me heart 2 days a month, maybe one day, but certainly every month.

Last night Terry warned…er…informed (reminded?) me that, well, That Time Was Nigh, and gave me a pack of oreos. He knows me well. Oreos or cheetoes, that’s where it’s at, one or two days a month.

*aside>How do YOU eat an Oreo? And for me, culinary snob that I am, only Oreos will do. Not Hydrox, not those cheap knock-off Food Lion things. Oreos. Anyway, I eat them by twirling them open, peeling off the white stuff and feeding it to the dogs, and making a stack of the chocolate wafers. Then I eat them slowly over time, with a cup of coffee. really I wish you could just buy the wafers without the white stuff.*/aside>

So, this time it’s hitting me on a weekend. Which is bad because everyone is home to bear the brunt of my inevitably foul mood. I am not one of those women who considers menses to be a Sacred Rite, A Womyn Thing, or indeed anything at all other than verification that I am not pregnant. In fact, now that I am 44 and have NO intention of ever breeding again, I’d like to be able to just be rid of the parts altogether and move on. Seriously, what are these Womyn thinking, with their sacred this and that? I, in fact, saw a piece of artwork (kind of surreal and artsy, actually) that someone made from their…uh…Lady Blood. Can you imagine? It’s a waste product. It’s…y’know…a WASTE PRODUCT. IT’S NOT SACRED. Well, no more than poop or pee, in my estimation. I do not do the Sacred Moon Hut Dance,nor do I feel like going all “I Am Womyn! Hear Me Roar!” (more like “I Have Cramps! Pass The Cheetoes! And Motrin!”). It is just a bodily function. Which I wish to be done with.
Moon-Hut-Exstacy-713362

I suppose it’s Sacred because women can do it and men can’t. But then, men have semen and women don’t…so I guess we’re both special.

recently I heard of a statement that made me laugh: “Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die.” Now that’s funny!

There’s all this discussion about feminine products. You have your pads (some say they feel like diapers, frankly, I like knowing what’s down there so I know I’m protected) and your tampons (no thanks. Toxic Shock Syndrome scares me, and I find them uncomfortable) and for the Earth Mothers (ok Sarah, I know, I know) there’s the Environmentally Friendly Diva Cup (a synthetic rubber cup you slip up…y’know…*inside* that catches everything and you rinse it out a few times a day), which sounds great and really comfortable but I like the whole diaper feeling. You can even get Environmentally Friendly Washable Pads, which I can totally see, except that I live in a houseful of MEN who, honestly, couldn’t handle it. every now and then, when I’m feeling mean, I’ll forget and leave the box of pads on the dining table, to see what happens. In a matter of minutes the room empties and is avoided as tho it were inhabited by many Womyn, all long hair and belly dancing to the beat of chainsaws. Once not long ago CJ asked me…ok…he BEGGED me to never, ever leave Those Things laying around where he could see them. So I asked if he planned on getting married. He said he did. Was he going to have daughters? Hopefully. he answered. Then, I replied, he would have to learn to live with Feminine Products. The time will come when his wife will ask him to stop at the store and get a box of tampons, and he would do it, cheerfully. He will learn her favorite brand, what size (THEY COME IN SIZES?? he was horrified), all that. Oh no, he said. Not me. Well then, I replied, don’t expect her to know what size condom you need, and she’ll get the small ones.
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You see, to me, having a period is a pain and a nuiscence…nuisance…(yeah that). Other than the whole pregnancy thing, I don’t like it. I saw recently those birth control pills that let you have a period every 3 months instead of monthly and I thought “what a fabulous idea!” only I can’t take them. No hormones at all for me, as they make me…well…crazy. Crazier, anyway. I talked to my gynecologist about sorta, y’know…maybe getting a hysterectomy and she said Oh No, not just because you are tired of your monthlies. You’ll have to wait for menopause and do it like everyone else in the world. Easy for her to say, she’s in her 30s. I remember after the boys were born, for 6 months or so, I was neither pregnant nor having periods and it was flamin’ BLISS.

So, that’s my thoughts on The Mystic Wonder of Menses, The Moon Time, The Howling of the She Wolf In The Moon Hut.

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About rootietoot

I do what I can.
This entry was posted in *eep!, Disease and infirmity, Good grief. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to It’s TIIIIIIIIME! Or. The Period Post. You have been warned.

  1. Bella Rum says:

    Too many funny lines in this one to mention. Laughed all the way through. I don’t miss mine a bit, not one bit.

  2. Tracey says:

    If your ‘lady bits’ are removed, don’t you need some sort of HRT anyway? I’m with you though, I could really do without them, especially when they are getting erratic on me, and time themselves to come just when I’m doing one of our long bike rides.

  3. SuperBee says:

    This post made me laugh.

    As an aside, my mom used to go to acupuncture for her PMS. It worked WONDERS. Look into it…

    And I, also wish we could dispense with the creme filling in Oreos and just eat the chocolate. With milk.

  4. Lol! I loved this post. Politcally you and me couldn’t be further apart but anyone who loves oreos must be good people 🙂

  5. Jo says:

    I’m impressed that your sweetie knows your cycle. Don’t think there’s many men who pay that close attention!

  6. Judy Miller says:

    You are going to love menopause or rather after menopause. In order to get from here to there, you just gotta go through…

  7. Mermade says:

    I am actually the opposite with Oreos. I lick the white stuff off first and absolutely LOVE Double Stuf Oreos because of the extra white filling. I like the chocolate wafers, too, but the white filling is the best part to me.

    I laughed out loud hard when I read this post, not in the least bit because you are so right about me: I get on my “Why-the-flying-fuck-should-a-woman-pay-$7-a- month-to-some-company-that-doesn’t-regard-a-woman’s-blood-as-sacred-holy,-and-the-cervix-as-the-gateway-of-humanity,-responsible-for-the-birth-of-every-human-who-has-walked-the-earth?” rant at least once a month. (I am paraphrasing Inga Muscio, whose book “Cunt” changed my life.)

    Is it irony that I have a “This is What a Feminist Looks Like” t-shirt coming in the mail?

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