Because it really is personal…

(to borrow a word from Cute Overload)

Here’s the situation. I’m a bit overweight, by say, 50 pounds. High blood pressure, kidney disease, high triglycerides, but the cholesterol’s ok. Now, for the kidney disease I’m supposed to cut out the salt and potassium. Essentially that means limited vegetables,no leafy greens, no whole grains or nuts,no potatoes or tomatoes or oranges, limited protien (say, 3 oz a day of meat), and absolutely NO dairy. I am allowed all I want of white bread, white rice, white pasta, cruciferous veg (cabbage, broccoli, etc) and apples. HOWEVER, due to the high triglycerides, I am not allowed to eat white bread, white pasta or white rice. I am supposed to eat lots of high fiber whole grains, nuts, leafy greans.

So, boil it all down and I can have all the cabbage and apples I want, with a piece of meat the size of a deck of cards once a day. This is the New Rootie Diet. Cabbage and apples, and vitamins because…because I’m not allowed anything that’s actually delicious or high fiber or…y’know…GOOD for you.

So, I whined long and loud to the Good Dr. Courage, about the whole low potassium thing in particular. He said I could allow myself 1 half cup serving of whole grains a day. That being, 1 slice of bread, OR 1/2 cup of brown rice, OR 1/2 cup of any other whole grain like oats or whatever. I could have sushi if I didn’t have the nori. Ok, sushi without the nori is like a sandwich without the bread. HUH?!

And, I cheat. I have potatoes. And cheese. And bacon (bacon’s like..The Devil. High sodium, high fat, might as well just shoot my veins with pure cholesterol). And a spinach salad. Once a week I have each one of these things. Sometimes all in the same day, then I sit down and wait to die. The next day I try to atone for my dietary sins by eating cabbage and white rice and apples. And you know what? It’s worth it. A baked potato with cheese and bacon on it, a spinach salad with an egg and some bottled high salt dressing, and oh glory, Mandarin oranges. Fine then, if I die I’m going to die satisfied. Throw in some sex and I’ll die happy.

The good news is this: I’ve lost weight. It’s really not hard to lose weight if the only things you can eat are nasty and boring. My clothes are all quite loose, for the first time in probably 8 years I’ve dropped below 200 pounds. I have a couple of corsets, very comfortable things they are, keeping the back straight and the boobs perky. I put one on the other day, and…it’s too loose. Even laced up as tight as it would go I kinda rattled around in it. Lordy, I’m going to need all new clothes this spring. I reckon it’s time to break out the sewing machine and find a coupla patterns I like.

SO, if anyone’s interested in losing weight, that’s how it’s done. Only eat food you don’t like, and don’t put salt on it, then you’ll only eat a little bit until you get so bored with it you give up and go do something else.