Because it really is personal…

“turn and face the strange…”
Yeah. Because of that I am writing a post at 5 am. Here’s the back story. Due to monumentally wimpy decisions on my part over a year ago (I hate confrontation, that’s what it boils down to), CJ has been holding us hostage with his mercurial moods, threats and feral behavior. “I’ll fuck you up and I’ll fuck up this house, too” is his favorite one, with hate in his eyes and fists drawn back. Counseling is out of the question, he refuses to consider it. Back in January he dropped out of school because he thought it was bullshit. However, it turns out the girls he wants to date won’t consider seeing a dropout, so now he wants to go back. Anyway, the whole thing is a mess, and we were both kind of at our wits end, figuring we’d just put him out (but not wanting to) when he turns 18 at the end of this month (if he wasn’t in a school and if he misbehaved one more time)

The thing of it is, when CJ is good, he’s very very good, but when he his bad, he is horrid. The good parts are about 3/4 of the time, the bad, 1/8, the horrid, about 1/8. enough to keep us on pins and needles as to when he’ll have another “episode”. And yes, we have considered the psychiatric ramifications of this, but he absolutely refuses to see a doctor, and I can’t make him.

So, what to do, eh? Well, his uncle, a former Navy Drill Instructer and Submariner, has offered to let him come live with him up in North Georgia. Gratitude is not a strong enough word for what I am feeling toward The Navy Dude right now. CJ will listen to him. He hasn’t yet lost respect or regard for him. The school up there has an ‘alternative’ school aimed at dropouts and all, and CJ can finish up, save face because no one up there knows him as a dropout. The Navy Dude lives on 10 acres in the middle of nowhere (CJ loves the country) and will let CJ keep his dog.

I want what’s best for CJ. I believe this will be it.

However (you saw that coming, right?), after what we went through with Will 3 years ago, it is working hard at making me feel like a really crap parent. What have I done wrong to produce 2 children who are so recalcitrant? I’ve always thought that loving your children and doing what you think is best for them is enough. I guess I’m wrong there. Having 1 child who takes “a different path” can be a fluke, a result of his personality , not of your bad parenting style. Having 2, however, is a reflection on *me* as a parent, not on them as children and independent thinkers. Yeah, I am feeling like a real loser right now. Last night it kind of hit home that I’ll probably lose what little respect my in-laws had for me. Terry said I shouldn’t care, that he long time ago quit caring what his mother thought about him. I can’t help it. I know what she says about her other daughters-in-law, and the thought of her talking about me that way sits in my gut and churns. I want what’s best for CJ,and I am not going to let my fears about what other people will think of me prevent me from doing what’s best for him. That doesn’t mean I have to look forward to it with cake and balloons.

Right now, at 5:17 am, I feel like a crap parent and a crap wife. If Terry’s arm wasn’t broken (guess what, my fault, ultimately. Yes I feel like crawling in a hole an dying,. No, I am not going to tell you why,) and he needed help, I’d be giving my car to David and taking his car to disappear into the sunset because I’m really feeling like everyone would be better off without me. Honestly, David could handle helping Terry out right now except for that bit in the Bible about a child seeing his father’s nakedness and Terry needs help showering. Yes I’m feeling sorry for myself, no you can’t really help. I’ll work through this just like I’ve worked through every other wrong thing I’ve done in my life.

I’ve spent 10 minutes looking for an appropriate cartoon to lighten the mood, but can’t find one. Don’t mind me, I’ll be fine. I’ll sit here and feel sorry for myself until I get over it and someone needs something. Moods are always worse at 5 am.