Filed under: aaawwwww
and he’s right!
Filed under: *eep!, Dewicate feewings, Sometimes she thinks too much, spouse, what? um...what?
Ha! That got your attention, didn’t it! I don’t write about sex, usually. My philosophy is that it’s none of your business, and I am SO not a voyeur nor an exhibitionist that I don’t like reading (or watching) other people’s sexual experiences either. I generally infer that other people Do It by the fact that they have children and are under 90, or in one friend’s case, look at the You Tube video she posted of a Durex condom commercial featuring balloon dogs doing it (*squeaka-squeaka*).
We do, tho. Have sex that is. No mirrors or kinky stuff, tho. I totally believe that sex, in and of itself, is a ridiculous looking activity, and as such I have no mirrors or video cameras. It’s easy to pretend I have long legs and a firm ass when I don’t see evidence to the contrary, and when the lights are low we can be anyone…you know…pioneers or some Jane Austen character (ok, they never had sex but somehow they keep having babies anyway) or anyone, ANYTHING but overweight middle class housewife and textile-mill manager. I laugh sometimes when I wonder if someone out there who lives in a grass hut pretends to be an American housewife and mill manager.
And, our kids know we’ve had it at least 4 times. I remember when we found out I was pregnant with #4. We took the boys to their favorite restaurant (Mandarin House in Auburn), let them all get their plates and then told them we were expecting. Will (then 11) blurted out “Oh my God, that means you…*GASP*” and he blushed and wouldn’t look at us the rest of the evening. About a year ago, CJ and I we talking about sex, and I was trying to impress on him the importance of keeping it sacred, and not just something you did for funsies with whatever girl would do it with you. He let me know right quick that he *knew* we did it for fun. When I tried to looked shocked and asked him how he knew, he said he could hear us. What? um…what? I said. He told me not to worry about it, they just turned the volume up on the video game and pretended we were wrestling, since thats what we told him 10 years ago. Oh well. It’s still important to remember that it’s more than something that just feels good.
Oh I know, there are people out there who see it as just another physical activity, like eating or sleeping, and has just as much meaning. I get that. And perhaps, for them, that is true. For me, however, it isn’t. There is an aspect of the sacred to it. It is a reaffirmation of a lifelong bond, or commitment that we have made to each other, and neither one of us can countenance the idea of sharing that bond with someone else. It’s like the rope made of strands, and as long as each strand remains within that rope, from him to me and me to him, the rope stays strong. To have sex with someone else would be like taking a strand out of the rope and sending it elsewhere. That would weaken it, and eventually the rope would break.
Now, obviously our relationship is made of more than sex (or rope). There is friendship, and a fierce commitment to making it work. We’ve had our hard times, and it shows in all parts of our relationship, when those hard times are happening. Thing is, when the relationship is good, the sex is good, and vice versa. The times when we’ve gone through rough patches, when I’ve been busy going over the deep end or something awful is happening with one of the kids, it shows in our personal life. Sometimes getting back into it requires a concious effort. I have to say to myself “tonight.” even when I really just want to go to sleep, because that bond needs working on. It seems tho, once we get back into our bedroom groove, things start to look up. I don’t know if it’s *because* of that, or it’s just the way things shake out, but that is how it happens. Perhaps the regular relational activities do something to my brains and make my outlook become more positive, or maybe it’s a whole cocktail of circumstances that work together. I don’t know. I just know that when the sex is good, everything else falls in place.
I had a dream about a barn and a haystack last night, that’s what brought this whole thing on.
One of my concerns with CJ moving in with The Navy Dude was TND’s wife. Currently she is living in Virginia, but they were able to lease their house up there so now she can move down to Madison and live with TND, like wives are supposed to. My concern was how she felt about some teenager living there, that she’s not really related to and all that. HOWEVER, it turns out a big part of her angst about moving to Madison is TND’s night shift job, and her living way out in the boonies (and they are, believeth me) and being at home by herself all night. HOWEVER, now that CJ is living there, and will be there at night and she won’t be Home Alone, everyone is happy.
I love it when stuff works out like that!
Filed under: Uncategorized
CJ: “Dad, The Navy Dude is a dick.”
CJ: “But he’s a dick with a heart, and I can live with that.”
Filed under: food
Whenever I go to Brighter Day I tend to go a little nuts. I love grains, whole, brown nutty grains. And they have a splendid selections! Quinoa! Hard winter wheat! Soft summer wheat! Barley! All kinds of rice both tame and wild! Even organic brown sweet rice! WAH! I have to have some! I get the same sort of wild look in my eye that happens in the early spring when the seed packets come out.
Anyway, Terry humors my grain fetish, and grumbles not when I come home with bags of everything exotic and Not Uncle Ben’s. The other day as I was digging around in the bins for the sticky rice, I came across a bag of soft wheat that I’d bought a while back. Hm, thinks I, I forgot about that. I think I’ll make something, thinks I.
And so I did. A grain salad with soft winter wheat, tomatoes and oregano from the garden, and some other stuff. I love wheat, because you are required to work at it. It takes longer to cook than rice, and even when cooked longer than it’s supposed to be, it still has this texture that requires one to have a cud to work it. Well, ok maybe not that bad, but it does burn calories to eat it. Plus it tastes good, kind of nutty, like brown rice only more so.
Here’s the salad:
6 cups of water, salted
2 cups soft wheat (or, if you don’t have a Brighter Day to invade, brown rice or barley)
Cook the grain in the water, bring to a boil and let it simmer until you can chew it. Make sure the pot doesn’t dry out, add some water if you have to. It’s ok if there’s too much water, as you can always drain it if you have to.
4 good sized roma tomatoes (or 2 baseball sized tomatoes, or in my case, 6 dinky ones from the garden- you want 2 generous cups worth)
1/4 cup fresh oregano
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup olive oil
Chop the tomatoes,scallions and oregano. Put them in a bowl with the vinegar and oil. Add some cracked black pepper if you want to (and I did).
Then add 1/2 cup coarsely grated parmesan cheese and stir in.
When your grain is done, drain and rinse until it’s cool, then add to the bowl with the veggies and stir well. Cover and let sit at room temp, stirring once in a while until it’s time to eat. If it’s going to be a couple of hours, or tomorrow before you eat it, you’ll want to refrigerate it, I think. I personally like it room tempurature, so I make it about an hour before we eat and let it sit. The grain kind of soaks up a bit of the dressing and that’s nice.
Simple, no? Go find you some kind of Brighter Day type place- a natural foods store that sells stuff in bulk, and get you some funky grains to play with. they’re tasty, good for you and relatively cheap. Certainly cheaper than meat, anyway. Those places always smell so good anyway.
Before you read any further, understand this: What I am writing down is more for my benefit than anyone elses. Putting it into words helps me to gel the idea into something cohesive.
I’ve decided that I’m tired of being a fat sloth. And yes, I am. I’d rather sit and watch TV all day than move around, pull weeds or whatever. I am particularly tired of the fat part. Since I turned 40, everything has softened up, stuff has shifted and I’ve got this *thing* on my belly that was never there before. I always had a flat belly, even after the birth of 4 children, nice tight abs and all. Now, not so much. Back fat, too. I had a friend in Auburn who sympathized with the back fat issue, saying it happens when you turn 40 and there isn’t a whole lot you can do about. Even exercise, you’ll still have this layer of upholstery on top of the muscles.
So, I am trying to be proactive. I already eat a pretty well balanced diet- whole grains, lotsa veggies and fruit, and not much fatty stuff. except, I have this weakness for potato chips. And please, not those low fat baked cardboardy things either, give me a bag of Lays, nice and thin, salty and FRIED. Perhaps by exerting control for the hour that I’m in the grocery store, following my list and staying clear of certain aisles, I’ll be able to avoid the temptation. Thing is, I really DO like carrots, cucumbers and bell peppers, cut up and fresh with a bowl of homemade hummus. I do! But I also like crisp salty chips.
The hope is, now that I am off the lithium, maybe my metabolism will crank back up. Lithium is a metabolism killer. I have more energy now that I’m off it, even Terry noticed that I was getting up before him (that has NEVER happened before!) and cooking him breakfast. Go figure!
So, here’s the plan. protein rich breakfast in the form of a high protein smoothie- love those things. Love them. Pineapple and non fat yogurt, a scoop of soy protein powder, a sprig of mint…yum, y’all. Maybe mangoes, or peaches, but some kind of fruit, anyway. Sometimes if I’m feeling ultra virtuous I’ll add a handful of spinach and make a green smoothie…not recommended for people who aren’t constipated, tho.
Lunch involves greenery: spinach, leaf lettuce chopped up with carrots and other veggies. Now, there are certain creamy salad dressings I’m fond of, and those are dangerous and fatty. So, because I can, I dilute them with vinegar . This thins them so they spread out better in the the salad (I do NOT like globs of dressing), and you can use less. I like green salads, and I like to throw a handful of chopped nuts on them for crunch. Cooked chicken, tuna and turkey are good as well. I eat a great big bowlful- like a serving bowl, and with the dressing thin, it ony takes a tablespoon or so to dress that much. #4 likes salad as well, so it’s a good way to get him to eat veggies.
Supper is the pitfall. Some things are just so tasty. Mashed potatoes, rice with gravy, squash casserole. I love that stuff. I like making it and I like eating it. I like feeling full. I like rolls with butter and a big slab of beef. *sigh* So does Terry.
I’ve been watching You Are What You Eat- that BBC show with the abrasive woman who likes to abuse fat people. She has good dietary plans involving lots of veggies and fish and all, but I don’t like fish unless it’s fried, or maybe in a tuna salad which has mayo. She makes alot of stews with sweet potatoes, which sounds odd to me, and sweet potatoes aren’t really on my radar anyway (much to Terry’s chagrin. He loves one with lots of butter, brown sugar and all, I am pretty sure Gillian McKeith would NOT approve)
So today, in the spirit of Losing Weight One Day At A Time, I fixed us both breakfast and lunch the Right Way. Terry for breakfast got a whole grain bagel with fat free cream cheese, and 1 egg+1 egg white and a chopped green onion. I had a pineapple smoothie. For lunch I fixed him a whole grain sandwich with tomatoes and lettuce, and hummus with carrots. I’ll probably have something similar. Supper seems to be involving chicken breast and I’ll do something with some wheat I forgot about, maybe a tabouleh type salad, and tomatoes from the garden. That seems light enough.
I guess what I need to do is a 2 part thing. Part the First is to take it one day at a time. I have learned enough about myself to know that if I try to look too far ahead I’ll get discouraged, because I know I am not really capable of embracing the notion that I’ll stay on a diet for the next year and lose 50 pound. So, Today, I Diet. Tomorrow will deal with itself tomorrow. Part the Second is the opposite side of that coin. I have to plan ahead because that’s how I buy groceries. I make menus, a list, and buy food once a week. I’ll have to be strong and determined when Terry announces he wants hot wings for the race, or french fries to go with the sandwiches for Saturday night.
Left to his own devices, Terry would eat like a 14 yr old boy. Hot wings, Barbeque, and ice cream. Don’t get me wrong, he eats and enjoys whatever I put in front of him, but the planning is up to me. So, I’ll need to come up with a Hot Wing Alternative. Something spicy and fingerfoodish without all that damn chicken skin.
Thing of it is, I *feel* really good. I have energy, my mood is good, and I am enjoying life more than I have in years. But, what I see in the mirror isn’t copacetic with what I feel in my mind.
I feel like this.
I look like this:
I *feel* like I *look* like this:
*just wrote a whiney post, then deleted it, because You Are What You Think*
Y’know, I have this thing about blessings, and God and all. I don’t believe God bestows blessings on people because we ask for them. I don’t think that He decided one day to give me brains, and give someone else long legs, and another person has to sit in the sand and eat yams all day because He didn’t feel like blessing them the way he blessed me. I believe God set the world in motion, and lets us deal with it. I think blessings come in the form of nudges from God, kind of a “why don’t you look this direction” sort of hint, rather than He drops an Escalade in the driveway because we’re better behaved than someone else. If it were like that then why does El Presidente get to drive a company car in the form of an Escalade, and he doesn’t even believe in God?
No, I think blessings are philosophical. God gives us an ability to to modify our environment, to use our brains, to make decisions based on our experiences. He clues us in now and then about what would be a wise way to go, maybe even drops an angel in our path, but ultimately the choice is ours to make. At night, when I’m going to sleep I like to count my blessings for the day, and thank God for them. Sometimes it’s as silly as thanking Him for helping me keep my temper so I don’t bash my buggy into the ankles of the MORON who’s blocking the aisle at Walmart, and sometimes it’s deeper than that, thanking Him for putting something into the mind of The Navy Dude so he’ll help us with CJ, or for giving Terry the patience to keep from walking away from El Presidente and his job. That’s how I see God working. It’s how I can justify a life where someone like Bernie Madoff can get away with his nonsense for so long, or how someone who works so hard for God seems to benefit so little *in this life*. It’s how I can look at the people of this country, with all our incredible largesse, and balance it with Darfur.
because honestly, we don’t deserve this life any more than the people of Darfur deserve to live in tents, eat worms, and get raped. They have done nothing more to deserve their (apparently) cursed life that we have to deserve our (apparently) blessed one. The blessings come when we take what we have, whether it’s been dropped in our laps as an inheritance from zillionaire grandparents, and use it in a way that benefits someone who has been less “blessed”. It’s our responsibility, as individuals and as a nation. It is also our decision to make. God isn’t going to put a chip in our brain that makes us go *zzt* when we decide to take that quarterly dividend check and blow it on a trip to Disney, instead of building a Habitat House with it. He doesn’t work that way, these days. Not since Christ died and rose again, anyway.
I love it when I can write a post like this, that is barely coherent, yet makes me feel like I know what I am talking about. Forrest Gump has more cohesion than I do.
So, I have a problem with thanking God for my nice big house, since He didn’t drop it in our laps. I am uncomfortable with thanking Him for my hot little convertible, because Terry gave that to me, with money he earned working for El Presidente. I’d rather thank Him for…I don’t know…comprehension, music, the pharmaceutical industry and the brains He gave the people who work there, even for our current president, who’s jackass economic policies seem to be causing people to become more charitable. (oh sorry, was that a political statement?)
I have blessings, but not because I did anything to win God’s favor. I have them because I am able to acknowledge them. Everyone has them, if they know where to look. God doesn’t play favorites. It’s made loud and clear, since Christ died (apparently for EVERYONE, not just a chosen few), that God has a deep and ferocious love for everyone, but he can only come so close, we have to approach him as well. Otherwise we’d be puppets or little programmed robots and that’s no kind of love at all.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I want more male bloggers on my role. I like getting a different perspective. Suggestions?
Filed under: family, Grandparents, home and hearth, kids, Not another Change!, Sometimes she thinks too much
Dad showed up last night about 5, with trailer, and got CJ’s Sonoma loaded up, filled to the gills with all CJ’s shi…er…stuff that he “forgot”. See, my kids, they have this strange philosophy on moving out that I don’t really approve of. They get all the stuff they want, and leave the rest for me to deal with. Consequently, there is a 1953 GMC truck in my back yard. I don’t want it. It’s big and rusty and not fit for anything but the scrap heap (once I remove the remarkable pristine windows and sell them on Ebay, and yea, the money is MINE). There is a bass guitar and amplifier, and a trumpet and a pair of ostrich and lizard skin cowboy boots (tacky as hell but they were Grandaddy’s dancing boots only he doesn’t dance anymore). “I don’t really want them” he said, about all that stuff. Like I do?
I wish I could move like that, just pack up what I want and leave the rest for someone else to deal with. I am considering selling the boots on Ebay as well, they’re in really good shape and I am sure some truckstop cowboy would get a thrill from them. Tony Lama’s, they are, good $400 boots when new, and only used for dancing on a wood floor so in great shape. Size 10..anyone interested? The bass is a Fender and needs strings and a new pickup but comes with a great hard case (tho the handle is missing), I’ll even throw in an amplifier with an extra long cord. I think I deserve any money I make from this stuff, seeing as he put us through alot of shi…er…stuff over the past several years.
Oh I know, Terrible Mom, for wanting to sell off her kid’s Precious Memor…er…castoffs…he Might Want It One Day. Terry is more honorable than I am. He is the person who will keep the kid’s room in case he needs to move back. I am the one who paints it an offensive color the day he moves out so he WON’T come back. (It was NOT babyshi…er…poo green! It was Pale Sage Green and coordinated with the quilt! You philistine!)
As for the ’53 GMC truck…the windows are the only usable bit. The rest is so rusty by the time he’d finish restoring it it would be like one of those Boyd Coddington cars that slightly resembles whatever it’s supposed to be but in reality has maybe 5% of the original vehicle to it. Everything, even the chassis, is so rusty it would have to be replaced. Like $30,000 worth of work and honestly, he’s a high school student making $8/hour at a summer job. If he wants to spend $30,000 on a truck he can go to Franklin’s and get him a new Silverado. Only I’m not co-signing. So, I will remove the windows, sell them on Ebay (the curved rear windows seem to be selling for $90 each) and if I’m feeling magnanimous, I’ll deposit the money into his account. If he’s pissed me off I’ll go to Belks and get a new pair of shoes.
David is kind of moving as well. His current bedroom is upstairs, with all the other bedrooms, nice and family like. We are letting him move downstairs and to the side, into the west wing (far grander sounding than it really is, but I like the way it sounds), where there is a bedroom and a kind of large living area, an apartment of sorts that he can park next to and come and go through that entrance. He can entertain friends without disturbing us, play loud music or games, etc. Since the plan is he’ll go to Georgia Tech in Atlanta in a year, and be gone For Good, he’s ok with this arrangement. He was wanting to find an apartment in town, but this makes more financial sense, because we aren’t charging rent (as long as he stays in school. With Hope scholarship and all, this is our contribution to his education).
We talked to CJ last night, about his class schedule and all. He has to take a full 6 class course load, plus take 2 credit recovery courses. He can take the CR classes online (thus his need for the computer), in the school library during lunch and before and after regular school hours. So essentially he’ll be in school from 7 am to 4 or 5 pm. This will make it difficult for him to work, unless he can find a job on the weekends. Here’s to hoping he doesn’t screw this up. He is excessively social, which was part of his problem here. He was too busy having friends (who weren’t exactly the best influence on him) to “do school”. Morgan County is offering him a chance to graduate on time, instead of having to repeat 11th grade. Unfortunately the alternative school is full. I was hoping he could get in there. However, he is able to take a couple of mechanic’s classes and a computer skills course on top of the standard math, history, etc. If he can keep his head on straight he’ll be fine, He’s smart enough to do it, the question is, is he sensible enough to pull it off? Time will tell, and at this point, he’s 18 and on his own.
So now, 3 down and 1 to go. #4 is 10, hitting puberty already, tho without the attitude (so far). He still possesses an innocent sweetness I wish I could bottle and spray on him when he’s 16. He has a little bit of each brother in him, Will’s artistic sensibility (I always though that was an oxymoron, but eh…), David’s dogmatic individualism, and a little bit of CJ’s charisma. It’s a good combination because he can make friends like CJ does, but keeps his head straight like David, and draws me pictures like Will. Maybe I’ll get it right with this one
After all that whining from this morning, the point is moot, because Mom isn’t coming. I hate to say it, but I am relieved. Mom can be very pleasant and easy to be with, relaxed and conversational, or she can go into John Calvin Mode (it’s where I get Agnes McCalvinknox from) and disapprove of everything. Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t some early dementia setting in, and she’s hiding it by being tactless. She is 70 after all. The problem is, I never know who is going to show up. It makes for some tension.
But! It’s moot, because she is looking forward to Dad being gone so she can get her loom warped (she’s a weaver, and Makes Stuff) and eat canned tamales instead of feeling obligated to cook. (cooking is an onerous chore to her.)
I have been looking for CJ’s phone and charger, and cannot find them. Anywhere. Oh well. He’s always laying it down in a random place. My hope is that The Navy Dude will teach CJ some organizational skills, as I have obviously failed there.
Dinner tonight is Spicy and Exotic, because we like it that way, and Dad doesn’t get exotic at home. Thai grilled chicken (marinated in yellow curry sauce), peanut sauce, sticky rice, marinated cucumbers and red onion, and cabbage. yum, y’all. I know he’ll like it because he does the spicy totally.
Oh! There’s the backscratcher! I was looking for that just this morning. It looks a bit like a wooden fork, with a very long handle, and it’s awesome for scratching that spot just below your shoulder blades that anyone less than a 9th degree yoga master can’t reach. Very handy thing.
My mood, she has improved decidedly. I am looking forward to getting David’s old room set up as a pretty guest room, with a nice big bed and dresser, a rug on the floor and a lovely old quilt, soft and colorful. I’m going to (finally) paint the walls, a kind of tanny-gold, because I have a gallon of it already and it’s a soft antique sort of color. Like golden oak floors, kind of. I have a stack of westernish pictures- cattle drives, canyons and such to go on the walls- that I got from Grandmother when she quit housekeeping. They’re nice pictures- oils and signed lithographs- collected over the years by Grandmother Who Has Excellent taste. I want to hang the old quilt behind the head of the bed, like a headboard sort of, that I can take down and wash occasionally. I love finally being in a position where I can actually *decorate* a room with stuff collected over the years, that have meaning to us. Maybe I’ll take a picture when it’s finished in a week or so.
See! It is possible for me to be in a good mood!