I am almost positive I was born in the wrong century. Just this morning, I found myself wishing for a complete cessation of bodily functions. They bother me, this generation of odors and secretions and all. I wish I could be a Fine Mid (18th) Century woman and pretend such functions didn’t exist.. Oh, I know, women back then had periods too, and dealt with them in their own special way, but still.
Thing is, men take great pride in their ability to make a righteous stink. From the time they are wee infants, they smile with pride when they generate an odor, even better when there’s solid evidence to go along with it. Sweet Daddio tells me of going into the public men’s room, and if there’s someone in a stall, creating noise-enhanced green clouds, there’s another someone congratulating him on his accomplishment. “Good one, man!” they’ll shout. When women (well, here in the South, anyway, I don’t want to speak for other regions) make a odor or a noise in the restroom, they hide in the stall until it’s all clear, before coming out, so they won’t put a face to the shame of what they’d done. I know I do it. Sometimes you’ll hear “toot..SCUZE ME! toot OH SORRY! toot Oh Goodness!”, but never, ever congratulations.
I remember being taught as a young child that discussing bodily functions was never appropriate for a young lady, it went along with the lesson about keeping one’s knees together and legs down. The funny thing is, if you look at it logically, these functions are a logical extension of something we all talk about regularly. I even have a blog dedicated to the subject, yet, you don’t see many blogs dedicated to the inevitable result of the regularly discussed topic. Wonder why that is? I am fairly certain there are blogs out there dedicated to various forms of scatalogical discussion, you just don’t see them quite as often as ones like Epicurious.com or Allrecipes.com. Yet we all do it, unless we don’t, then we wind up in the hospital with tubes stuck in various orifaci and people with worried looks standing around.
A friend of mine has a couple of books she bought for her young kids “Everyone Poops” and “The Gas We Pass”. These are good things, teaching the kids that normal bodily functions are…well…normal, rather than the way I was raised, that, as a girl, they are shameful and to be ignored at all possible costs.
Still, I wish I could turn them off. I wish, once #4 was born, I could simply quit with the menstrual cycles, quit dealing with the paraphenalia every month. I wish I knew that I would go into the bathroom at 8 am every morning, stay there 5 minutes, and be done until the next morning. I wish I knew that I could eat what I like and not deal with gas 8 hours later, or have heartburn after eating tater tots, or whatever. Oh, I know, our bodies are a big biological function acting symbiotically with all sorts of bacteria and enzymes and such, and all these by-products are a natural result. I know the biology behind it all. I just wish it didn’t have to be so…so very…Biological.
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